Of our five children, four are still living, and though it is hard for them to visit,
they come often, and for this I am thankful. But even when they aren't here, they
come alive in my mind every day, each of them, and they bring to mind the smiles
and tears that come with raising a family. A dozen pictures line the walls of my
room. They are my heritage, my contribution to the world. I am very proud.
Sometimes I wonder what my wife thinks of them as she dreams, or if she thinks of
them at all, or if she even dreams. There is so much about her I don't understand
anymore.
I wonder what my daddy would think of my life and what he would do if he were
me. I have not seen him for fifty years and he is now but a shadow in my thoughts. I
cannot picture him clearly anymore; his face is darkened as if a light shines from
behind him. I am not sure if this is due to a failing memory or simply the passage
of time. I have only one picture of him, and this too has faded. In another ten years
it will be gone and so will I, and his memory will be erased like a message in the
sand. If not for my diaries, I would swear I had lived only half as long as I have.
Long periods of my life seem to have vanished. And even now I read the passages
and wonder who I was when I wrote them, for I cannot remember the events of my
life. There are times I sit and wonder where it all has gone.
"My name," I say, "is Duke." I have always been a John Wayne fan.
"Duke," she whispers to herself, "Duke." She thinks for a moment, her forehead
wrinkled, her eyes serious.
"Yes," I say, "I'm here for you."
And always will be, I think to myself.
She flushes with my answer. Her eyes become wet and red, and tears begin to fall.
My heart aches for her, and I wish for the thousandth time that there was
something I could do. She says:
"I'm sorry. I don't understand anything that's happening to me right now. Even you.
When I listen to you talk I feel like I should know you, but I don't. I don't even know
my name.
"She wipes at her tears and says, "Help me, Duke, help me remember who I am. Or
at least, who I was. I feel so lost."
I answer from my heart, but I lie to her about her name. As I have about my own.
There is a reason for this.
"You are Hannah, a lover of life, a strength to those who shared in your friendships.
You are a dream, a creator of happiness, an artist who has touched a thousand
souls.
You've led a full life and wanted for nothing because your needs are spiritual and
you have only to look inside you. You are kind and loyal, and you are able to see
beauty where others do not. You are a teacher of wonderful lessons, a dreamer of
better things."
I stop for a moment and catch my breath. Then, "Hannah, there is no reason to feel
lost, for Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost, No birth, identity, form‐‐no object
of the world, Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;... The body, sluggish, aged,
cold‐‐the embers left from earlier fires, ... shall duly flame again;"
She thinks about what I have said for a moment. In the silence, I look toward the
window and notice that the rain has stopped now. Sunlight is beginning to filter
into her room. She asks:
"Did you write that?"
"No, that was Walt Whitman."
"Who?"
"A lover of words, a shaper of thoughts." She does not respond directly. Instead
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