another, more romantic, reason. I wish I could explain it more fully right now, but
it's still early, and talking about romance isn't really possible before lunch anymore,
at least not for me. Besides, I have no idea how it's going to turn out, and to be
honest, I'd rather not get my hopes up.
We spend each and every day together now, but our nights are spent alone. The
doctors tell me that I'm not allowed to see her after dark. I understand the reasons
completely, and though I agree with them, I sometimes break the rules. Late at
night when my mood is right, I will sneak from my room and go to hers and watch
her while she sleeps.
Of this she knows nothing. I'll come in and see her breathe and know that had it
not been for her, I would never have married. And when I look at her face, a face
I know better than my own, ! know that I have meant as much or more to her. And
that means more to me than I could ever hope to explain.
Sometimes, when I am standing there, I think about how lucky I am to have been
married to her for almost forty‐nine years. Next month it will be that long. She
heard .me snore for the first forty‐five, but since then we have slept in separate
rooms. I
do not sleep well without her. I toss and turn and yearn for her warmth and lie there
most of the night, eyes open wide, watching the shadows dance across the ceilings
like tumbleweeds rolling across the desert. I sleep two hours if I am lucky, and
still I wake before dawn. This makes no sense to me.
Soon, this will all be over. I know this. She does not. The entries in my diary have
become shorter and take little time to write.
I keep them simple now, since most of my days are the same. But tonight I think I
will copy a poem that one of the nurses found for me and thought I would enjoy.
It goes like this:
I never was struck before that hour With love so sudden and so sweet,
Her face it bloomed like a sweet flower And stole my heart away complete.
Because our evenings are our own, I have been asked to visit the others. Usually
I do, for I am the reader and I am needed, or so I am told. I walk the halls and
choose where to go because I am too old to devote myself to a schedule, but deep
down I always know who needs me. They are my friends, and when I push open
their doors, I see rooms that look like mine, always semi darkened, illuminated only
by the lights of Wheel of Fortune and Vanna's* teeth. The furniture is the same for
everyone, and the TVs blare because no one can hear well anymore.
Men or women, they smile at me when I enter and speak in whispers as they turn off
their sets. "I'm so glad you've come," they say, and then they ask about my wife.
Sometimes I tell them. I might tell them of her sweetness and her charm and
describe how she taught me to see the world for the beautiful place it is. Or I tell
them of our early years together and explain how we had all we needed when we
held each other under starry southern skies. On special occasions I whisper of our
adventures together, of art shows in New York and Paris or the rave reviews from
critics writing in languages I do not understand. Mostly, though, I smile and I tell
them that she is the same, and they turn from me, for I know they do not want me
to see their faces. It reminds them of their own mortality. So I sit with them and
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