Instead she begins to fidget. She is thinking of a way to ask me another question,
though she isn't sure how to do it. Instead she chooses to put it off for a moment
and reaches for one of the little paper cups.
"Is this mine?"
"No, this one is," and I reach over and push her medicine toward her. I cannot grab
it with my fingers. She takes it and looks at the pills. I can tell by the way she
is looking at them that she has no idea what they are for. I use both hands to pick
up my cup and dump the pills into my mouth. She does the same. There is no fight
today. That makes it easy. I raise my cup in a mock toast and wash the gritty flavor
from my mouth with my tea. It is getting colder. She swallows on faith and washes
them down with more water.
A bird starts to sing outside the window, and we both turn our heads. We sit quietly
for a while, enjoying something beautiful together. Then it is lost, and she sighs.
"I have to ask you something else," she says. "Whatever it is, I'll try to answer."
"It's hard, though."
She does not look at me, and I cannot see her eyes. This is how she hides her
thoughts. Some things never change.
"Take your time," I say. I know what she will ask.
Finally she turns to me and looks into my eyes. She offers a gentle smile, the kind
you share with a child, not a lover.
"I don't want to hurt your feelings because you've been so nice to me, but..."
I wait. Her words will hurt me. They will tear a piece from my heart and leave a
scar.
"Who are you?"
We have lived at Creek side Extended Care Facility for three years now. It was her
decision to come here, partly because it was near our home, but also because she
thought it would be easier for me. We boarded up our home because neither of us
could bear to sell it, signed some papers, and just like that we received a place to
live and die in exchange for some of the freedom for which we had worked a
lifetime. She was right to do this, of course. There is no way I could have made it
alone, for sickness has come to us, both of us. We are in the final minutes in the day
of our lives, and the clock is ticking. Loudly. I wonder if I am the only one who can
hear it. A throbbing pain courses through my fingers, and it reminds me that we
have not held hands with fingers interlocked since we moved here.
I am sad about this, but it is my fault, not hers. It is arthritis in the worst form,
rheumatoid and advanced. My hands are misshapen and grotesque now, and they
throb during most of my waking hours. I look at them and want them gone,
amputated, but then I would not be able to do the little things I must do. So I use
my claws, as I call them sometimes, and every day I take her hands despite the pain,
and I do my best to hold them because that is what she wants me to do.
Although the Bible says man can live to be 120, I don't want to, and I don't think
my body would make it even if I did. It is falling apart, dying one piece at a time,
steady erosion on the inside and at the joints. My hands are useless, my kidneys
are beginning to fail, and my heart rate is decreasing every month. Worse, I have
cancer again, this time of the prostate. This is my third bout with the unseen enemy,
and it will take me eventually, though not till I say it is time. The doctors are
worried about me, but I am not. I have no time for worry in this twilight of my life.
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