pain. To limit the pain I limit my answers. There are days she never learns of her
children or that we are married. I am sorry for this, but I will not change.
Does this make me dishonest? Perhaps, but I have seen her crushed by the waterfall
of information that is her life. Could I look myself in the mirror without red eyes
and quivering jaw and know I have forgotten all that was important to me? I could
not and neither can she, for when this odyssey began, this is how I began. Her life,
her marriage, her children. Her friends and her work. Questions and answers in the
game show format of This Is Your Life.
The days were hard on both of us. I was an encyclopedia, an object without feeling,
of the whos, whats and wheres'in her life, when in reality it is the whys, the things
I did not know and could not answer, that make it all worthwhile. She would stare
at pictures of forgotten offspring, hold paintbrushes that inspired nothing, and
read love letters that brought back no joy. She would weaken over the hours,
growing paler, becoming bitter, and ending the day worse than when it began. Our
days were lost, and so was she. And selfishly, so was I.
So I changed. I became Magellan or Columbus, an explorer in the mysteries of the
mind, and I learned, bumbling and slow, but learning nonetheless what had to .be
done. And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection
of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding
beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with
dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I
learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on
her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love.
"What are you thinking?" she asks.
It is now dusk. We have left our bench and are shuffling along lighted paths that
wind their way around this complex. She is holding my arm, and I am her escort. It
is her idea to do this. Perhaps she is charmed by me. Perhaps she wants to keep me
from falling. Either way, I am smiling to myself.
"I'm thinking about you."
She makes no response to this except to squeeze my arm, and I can tell she likes
what I said. Our life together has enabled me to see the clues, even if she does
not know them herself. I go on:
"I know you can't remember who you are, but I can, and I find that when I look at
you, it makes me feel good."
She taps my arm and smiles. "You're a kind man with a loving heart. I hope I enjoyed
you as much before as I do now."
We walk some more. Finally she says, "I have
to tell you something."
"Go ahead."
"I think I have an admirer."
"An admirer?"
"I see."
"You don't believe me?" "I believe you." "You should." "Why?"
"Because I think it is you."
I think about this as we walk in silence, holding each other, past the rooms, past
the courtyard. We come to the garden, mainly wildflowers, and I stop her. I pick
a bundle‐‐red, pink, yellow, violet. I give them to her, and she brings them to her
nose. She smells them with eyes closed and she whispers, "They're. beautiful." We
resume our walk, me in one hand, the flowers in another. People watch us, for we
are a walking miracle, or so I am told. It is true in a way, though most times I
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