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empathise
. As you’ll discover
in the pages immediately following, there are many places you can listen
from, and not all of them involve listening with your heart. Compassion is
the basis of understanding, which is why it’s a vital component of
conscious listening. If your heart is hard and you stand in judgement and
condemnation whilst listening (one of the 7 Deadly Sins of course), then
the conversation is likely to be ‘nasty, brutish and short’, to quote
Hobbes.
Exercise: Listening
with
This exercise trains you in listening with your ears, eyes and heart.
This is best done with a friend who’s up for a little communication training. Sit facing
one another and then whoever chooses to go first starts to speak about something
s/he cares deeply about – maybe their favourite holiday destination in the entire
world.
The listener starts by looking down, very neutral, consciously disengaged but listening
carefully with the ears. After a little while (you could set a timer for 30 seconds), the
listener looks up and establishes eye contact, taking in all the nonverbal
communication that’s being sent – but still emotionally cool. After a further 30
seconds or so, the listener engages the heart, feels the feelings and takes the shackles
off any nonverbal responses that might come naturally, such as facial expressions,
nods, posture adjustments and so on.
Stop and both share how that was. Swap and repeat.
If you can’t find someone to try this with you, simply focus on listening with ears, eyes
and heart for a day and see what you experience. If you like it, keep it up until it
becomes second nature to you.
5. LISTENING
FROM
Consider this: there are many listening positions – places to listen
from
.
This is entirely metaphorical: I am not speaking of physical positions or
places. Perhaps an analogy will help to explain. Imagine you are standing
at the foot of a hill, on top of which there is a house. If you don’t like the
way the house looks from here, you can walk around the hill and see if the
other side looks better. That’s changing your viewing position.
Now, remember that we all listen through a set of filters, which we listed
and explored in Chapter Three. These are:
• Culture
• Language
• Values
• Attitudes
• Beliefs / assumptions
• Intentions
• Expectations
• Emotions
Every human being has their own individual listening, shaped by their
personal set of filters. Over time that listening tends to ossify into a
default listening position that’s like a concrete bunker with a slit in the
front. Much of reality bounces off, and only a small amount gets through
the filters and is listened to. We sit in that bunker year after year,
believing that the world is what we perceive through our little window,
never realising that there is a door in the back – and it’s open! We can
leave our bunker and move to a completely different listening position
simply by becoming aware and making an act of will.
In reality, most people have more than one window in the bunker, using
different ones depending on the situation: for example, you probably
listen rather differently to your children than to your friends or work
colleagues. But the essence of the listening is very similar, and for most
people the fundamental position does not change.
The good news is that there are as many listening positions as you choose
to create. You can move to them by using your filters as control surfaces –
being aware of them and choosing to alter them consciously for this
conversation. The following exercise will help you to start that process;
afterwards, I’ll get you started by listing a few listening positions that are
so common they may resonate with you. Remember, you can create your
own personal set of listening positions. The main point is to be aware that
you can move!
Exercise: Know your
filters
Using a notebook or a computer, write each filter at the top
of a page:
Culture
Language
Values
Attitudes
Beliefs / assumptions
Intentions
Expectations
Emotions
Now write as much as you need to about how each of these filters affects your
listening. Aim to describe each filter, how it occurred or developed for you, and how it
helps or hinders you.
When you’re done, you have effectively identified your autopilot settings. Now you can
take control!
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