The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

PART II
REASONS WE
STRUGGLE TO SAY NO
It’s one of the smallest words in the English language. Yet,
many of us believe it carries such awesome power that
we’re afraid to say it. In those instances when we do
manage to say no, we instinctively downplay our intentions,
offering excuses and apologies to the requestor.
Why does this tiny word carry such gravity? Why are we
so hesitant to utter it?
This section will highlight and explain the most common
reasons we have difficulty telling others “no.” You’ll no
doubt recognize a few of them in your own life. As you’ll see
in the following pages, I have personal experience with
nearly all of them.
Most of us were raised to believe that saying no is rude
and egocentric. This belief becomes a significant part of our
value system. So we spend our childhoods and much of our
adult lives trying to live in a way that reflects an image we
consider more honorable and respectable.
The result? We end up saying yes to everyone around
us, even as we become increasingly frustrated, embittered,
and resentful.
You’re about to learn the unhealthy reasons you dread
saying no. Recognizing them - some are less obvious than
others - is the first step toward freeing yourself from the

---

fallacious belief that saying no is mean, cold-hearted, or
selfish.
Let’s get started…

---

WE WANT TO AVOID OFFENDING
PEOPLE
P
eople often take offense at things that aren’t intended to
give offense. An example is hearing the word “no” after they
ask for someone’s help.
You can probably recall instances when this has
happened to you. Someone asks you for your time,
attention, or money, and you respectfully decline the
request. The individual’s reaction is immediate, and openly
displayed on his or her face. A furrowed brow, a deep frown,
and tight lips betray hurt feelings and indignation.
The individual takes offense. He or she may even utter
“That’s rude.” Understandably, this causes you to feel
pangs of guilt. As you watch the requestor walk away, the
displeasure evident in his or her body language, you can’t
help but feel as if you’ve done something wrong.
But let’s logically unpack this scenario.
First, it’s important to understand how this type of
offense surfaces. It has nothing to do with moral outrage,
the acrimony we tend to associate with taking offense. Nor
is it a reaction to a perceived wrongdoing or act of villainy.
Rather, when offense is taken in these circumstances, it
usually stems from the requestor’s insecurities. He or she
internalizes the word “no” as a personal rejection. It stings,
which prompts the reaction.

---

It took me years to come to this realization. When it
finally dawned on me, everything changed.
I realized that as long as I was respectful to the
individual asking for my help, I wasn’t responsible for any
offense taken when I said no. This was a liberating feeling! It
freed me from my fears of turning down requests.
Think about someone in your life who takes offense
upon hearing the word “no.” The next time this person asks
you for help, and you’re unable to offer it, pay attention to
how you feel when you decline his or her request. Do you
feel guilty? Do you feel as if you’ve done something wrong?
Realize there’s no reason to feel that way. As long as
you’re being courteous and candid, you’re not responsible
for any offense taken by the requestor.

---