Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   2

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S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
03
Sports Mascots
☞
 
“Eff ectiveness” is calculated on how many national cham-
pionships were won by the teams with a particular class 
of mascot between 1995 and 2004 in the following sports: 
men’s baseball, women’s softball, men’s and women’s bas-
ketball, men’s football, and men’s hockey.
THE ANIMALISTIC
Examples:
 Lions and tigers and bears—oh my! Also cougars, 
wildcats, bruins (which are bears), wolves, etc. Pretty much 
any animal capable of killing people
Atypical Examples:
 University of California Santa Cruz ba-
nana slug, the Upper Iowa University peacock
Advantages:
 Fierce, violent, mean
Disadvantages:
 Generally not potty trained
Effectiveness:
 62 percent!
Anecdotally:
 Th
  e Cal State Fullerton baseball team (which 
won national championships in 1995 and 2004) came to be 
known as the “Elephants” back in the early 1960s when they 
staged “the fi rst intracollegiate elephant race in  human his-
tory” before 10,000 (presumably stoned) spectators.
THE RACIST
Examples:
 A dozen colleges still use “Indians” as mascots, 
and the pro team in the nation’s capital still goes by the mon-
iker “Redskins.”
Atypical Example:
  Th
  e Florida State University Seminoles, 
who  have  explicit  permission  from  the  Seminole  Nation  to 
use “Chief Osceola” as their mascot

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Advantages:
 Terrifying—particularly to early-19th- century 
settlers of the American West.
Disadvantages:
 Racist and uninformed
Effectiveness:
 2 percent
Anecdotally:
 In response to the widespread apathy about 
Native American mascots, a group of students at the Univer-
sity of Northern Colorado formed “Th
  e Fighting Whities” in-
tramural basketball team in 2001.