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partial listening. When you stop putting energy into listening, you no
longer do it attentively.
The key is to be aware of your state. If you know that you can’t listen so
well because of your current emotional state, you can take action, for
example to move important conversations to a better time or to
compensate by making greater effort than you naturally would. In the
case of arguments at home, it can be very helpful to agree on a system of
calling time-outs that allow all parties to take a break and calm down so
that, when conversation resumes, listening can take the place of shouting.
All parties must agree in advance that, when a time-out is called, there is
no negotiation or carrying on; also, calling a time-out must include
agreeing a time to resume the conversation within a pre-agreed
maximum limit.
NOISE
Now that you’re conscious about sound and its effects – and about noise
and damage it can cause – you will be taking control of the context for
your conversations much more than ever before. Noise makes
communication more difficult, obscuring the signal we want to pay
attention to. In hospitals, research shows that high noise levels increase
dispensing errors, probably because people mishear instructions. Noise is
all around us, so it pays to have a simple system to deal with it when you
want to have an important conversation or get some work done. Here’s
my suggestion: if noise is an issue, take an MBA.
The M is MOVE. Whenever I see people in the street shouting at each
other next to a building site or a jack hammer, I think: “Why don’t you
just move?” It’s not helpful to go unconscious, ignoring noise and
carrying on regardless, in a bellow. If we remember the communication
model that underpins this whole book (the circular relationship between
speaking and listening, inside of the context of background noise) then it
makes sense to plan the context for significant conversations, avoiding
unhelpful noise. It might not be the best idea to try and make a complex
sales presentation in a coffee bar, or to propose marriage in a nightclub –
although I’m sure both these things happen! When you know what you
want to say, how and to whom, the next question is: where?
The B is BLOCK. If you can’t move, try to block the noise. Close doors or
windows. If you’re trying to work or make phone calls, headphones can
be your friends here, blocking the background noise. For concentration in
noisy spaces, non-distracting masking sound like the Study app or some
birdsong can help too.
The A is ACCEPT. If you can’t move and you can’t block, then it pays to
have an internal conversation and choose to be there. If we fight the
inevitable, getting upset about the noise, the upset itself becomes the
problem and adversely affects our conversation or our work. If, instead,
you decide to accept the noise and the suboptimal context, and adjust
your expectations accordingly, then the upset doesn’t occur and you make
the best of a bad job. As my father used to say: “The best is the enemy of
the good.” Sometimes good is the best we can do.
TIME
“You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at
the same time.”
- M. Scott Peck
It takes time to listen properly, which is an issue in our increasingly time-
poor world. For decades, marketers have been selling time-saving: faster,
easier, quicker. The pace of life seems to accelerate year by year as we try
to cram more and more into every day, multitasking in order to get things
done and stay on top of life with all its complexities and calls on our time.
We are always-on, doing email in bed, texting as we walk in the street,
and having phone or even face-to-face conversations as we do 2 or 3 other
things simultaneously.
I believe that there are billions of people on this planet who have never
had the experience of being properly listened to – that is, when the other
person stops their world for a while and devotes 100 percent of their time
and attention to the act of listening.
There is a cost to this of course… but there is such a benefit too. True
listening like this is one of the most generous gifts you can give to anyone.
You may not have done it for years. Try it today and see what happens!
(See the exercise below.)
By the same token, we can gain enormously by being conscious of time
when speaking. Face-to-face, it’s often (though not always) possible to see
if someone is open for a conversation. Remotely, especially in voice-only
communication, we don’t have that data. We are not likely to achieve a
good outcome if we speak to someone while they are focusing elsewhere,
especially if that focus involves emotions. By making a polite request (“Is
now a good time for you to talk for 5 minutes?”) we can ensure that they
do give us their full attention for the agreed period.
Exercise: timing
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