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9. Forgiveness
Loving-kindness helps you to let go of resentments toward yourself and others.
Part of being a healthy adult means developing mental strategies that help to
keep you from getting lost in the stories of your past.
Ultimately, all of the steps above won’t mean anything if you can’t learn to let
go of the past, forgive, and move on.
This can seem like an impossible order. If a person we loved, who was
supposed to protect us, instead inflicted Chronic Unpredictable Toxic Stress, it’s
going to be hard to forgive that person. It’s going to be hard not to resent what
that loss of security and trust has cost us.
Jack Kornfield, PhD, a Buddhist meditation teacher, psychologist, and change
agent known for having brought the tenets of mindfulness and meditation to the
West, has used both mindfulness meditation and psychotherapy to heal from his
own trauma. He teaches the importance of forgiveness and compassion.
Forgiveness, Kornfield says, is “the capacity to let go, to release the suffering,
the sorrows, the burdens of the pains and betrayals of the past, and instead, to
choose the mystery of love.”
This doesn’t mean condoning what happened in the past, or condoning
anyone’s behavior. Kornfield says, “It’s not forgive and forget. In fact,
forgiveness might also include quite understandably the resolve to protect
yourself and never let this happen again.” Forgiveness isn’t “sentimental, or
quick. You can’t paper things over and smile and say, ‘I forgive.’ It is a deep
process of the heart. And in the process, you need to honor the betrayal of
yourself or others—the grief, the anger, the hurt, the fear.” This, he admits, can
take a long time. Indeed, he says, “when you do a forgiveness practice, you may
realize that you’re never going to forgive that person. And never takes a while.”
Still, says Kornfield, “It is not necessary to be loyal to your suffering.” We are
often so loyal to our suffering, our regrets, our losses, focusing “on the trauma of
‘what happened to me.’ Yes, it happened. Yes, it was horrible. But is that what
defines you?” Without forgiveness, life would be unbearable, he says. “It’s hard
to imagine a world without forgiveness, because we would be chained to the
suffering of the past and have only to repeat it over and over again. There would
be no release.”
Forgiveness is not something we do just for the other person. We forgive so
that we can live free of the acute suffering that comes with holding on to our
past. In other words, Kornfield says, forgiveness is “for your own capacity to
fulfill your life.”
You can use mindfulness, loving-kindness, and guided imagery practices to
help. One of my favorite forgiveness practices is a four-step forgiveness
meditation taught by James Gordon, MD, founder and director of the Center for
MindBody Medicine in Washington, DC. Gordon has led teams of practitioners
to teach mindfulness practices to children suffering from natural disasters and
war trauma in struggling countries around the world.
In this practice, Gordon suggests sitting in a chair and getting into a
meditative, relaxed state, breathing and relaxing, as you allow an image to come
to mind of someone toward whom you feel anger or resentment. Let yourself see
that person now, as if she were sitting across from you in a chair.
You don’t have to start with the person who hurt you most in life, but with
someone toward whom you hold some resentment. Look at that person and say
to him, “I forgive you. For whatever you may have done to harm me, intentional
or unintentional, I forgive you.” Allow yourself to soften toward that person.
Imagine him coming into your heart for a moment. Breathe in. Hold him there,
in your heart, breathing in and breathing out, staying present with him, relaxing,
feeling forgiveness for him, for what he did, breathing. Allow yourself to be
there for a minute or two or more. Now let him go, saying, “I forgive you.”
In between each of these steps, sit for a moment, breathing in and out,
relaxing for a few minutes.
Next, repeat this process with someone whom you have hurt in some way.
Imagine her as if she were sitting in a chair across from you. Look at her and
say, “Forgive me for whatever I may have done to harm you, intentionally or
unintentionally; forgive me.” Imagine your hearts melting together, as you hold
her in your heart and mind for a few minutes. Breathe in and out, feeling
forgiveness flow from her toward you. Now let her go, thanking her for the
forgiveness she’s offering you. Allow yourself to feel the connection between
the two of you.
After breathing in and out for a few minutes, bring your own image to mind.
Imagine that you’re sitting in a chair across from yourself. Look at yourself and
say, “I forgive you for whatever you feel you’ve done to hurt yourself; for
however you’ve let yourself down, I forgive you.” Feel the sensation of opening
your heart to yourself, feeling the connection between you and the image of
yourself sitting in a chair across from you, the connection between your hearts.
Stay with that, breathing for a few more moments.
Finally, allow the feeling of forgiveness to spread from you, from your heart,
to all those on the planet who are in need of forgiveness. Allow this feeling to
grow and expand, breathing in, breathing out, relaxing. Say to yourself and to
everyone on the planet who needs forgiveness, “I forgive you.” Slowly, come
back to a sense of awareness of yourself in your chair, your feet on the floor, as
you breathe in and out. When you’re ready, open your eyes. Enjoy the feeling of
relaxation, of letting go, that comes.
A practice like this isn’t a quick Band-Aid. Kornfield teaches that “Forgiveness
includes all the dimensions of our life. Forgiveness is the work of the body. It’s
the work of the emotions. It’s the work of the mind.” Forgiveness involves “a
shift of identity” in which you tap into your “undying capacity for love and
freedom that is untouched by what happens to you.”
Ultimately, your have to be ready to let go of what was in order to create the
life you’ve always wanted.
You have to forgive, for
you
.
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