The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

WE WANT TO APPEAR VALUABLE
T
hink back to the last time you served as a resource for
someone. Maybe this person sought your advice about
something. Perhaps he or she asked your opinion. Or maybe
this individual approached you for information that would
benefit him or her in some way.
It felt good, didn’t it? It was nice to be appreciated.
All of us like being perceived as valuable by others. We
enjoy feeling relevant and important. It gives us higher
status in others’ eyes, if only for a short time.
Here’s the problem: this feeling can be intoxicating,
prompting us to constantly seek opportunities to prove our
worth and reinforce the idea that we’re valuable. This
inclination can spur us to say yes to requests when we
should say no.
For example, suppose a coworker asks you to help her
with a report, and points out that you’re an expert on the
material. If appearing valuable is important to you, being
identified as an expert will feel momentarily exhilarating.
You’ll be inclined to reinforce that notion by agreeing to her
request, even if doing so means putting your own
responsibilities on the back burner.
Or suppose a friend asks you to help him move, pointing
out that your aid would be invaluable to him. It feels good to
be considered important, and you want your friend to
continue thinking you’re valuable.

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So you agree to help him.
Unfortunately, doing so means committing several
hours. That’s time that might otherwise be spent doing
things that are more consequential to you - for example,
spending the day with your spouse and kids.
I don’t mean to suggest you should always turn down
requests for help. That’s neither the purpose nor intent of
The Art Of Saying NO. Rather, I hope to encourage you to
recognize your motivations for putting other people’s
priorities ahead of your own. Case in point: do you regularly
say yes to people just to appear valuable in their eyes?
As I mentioned earlier, helping people is a respectable
thing to do. But helping people for the wrong reasons will
only reinforce a bad habit that’ll eventually cause you to
feel bitter and resentful.
I’ll show you a better way.

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