Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   6

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144
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
not she was seeking a cure for hemorrhoids is not a matter of 
historical record.
✖  ✖  ✖
What You Want:
 a six-pack (we’re talking brewskis, not abs!)
Whom You Need:
 Sadly, there is no actual patron saint of 
beer (although there are some apocryphal ones). Th
 ere are, 
however, no fewer than 
12
 patron saints of brewers, includ-
ing Saint Nicholas of Myra, who is more commonly known 
as—that’s right—Santa Claus. Th
  e story goes that Old Saint 
Nick, a fourth-century bishop in Myra, Lycia (now known as 
Turkey), resurrected three clerics who had been slain at an 
inn that doubled as a brewery. When he’s not busy tallying up 
whether children have been naughty or nice, Saint Nick en-
joys serving as the patron saint of fi shermen, Greece, and 
spinsters, among others.
✖  ✖  ✖
What You Want:
 a new television
Whom You Need:
 A friend of Saint Francis, Saint Clare of 
Assisi founded the Order of the Poor Ladies, the feminine 
companion to the Franciscan Order. But, like most people in 
the 13th century, Clare did not own a television. At the end 
of her life, though, when she was too sick to attend mass, im-
ages of the mass would miraculously appear on her wall like a 
heavenly fl at screen. Miracles like this made for a very quick 
canonization for Clare. Just two years after her death in 1253 
(exactly 700 years before the fi rst color TV broadcast), Pope 
Alexander IV made her a saint.
✖  ✖  ✖
What You Want:
 a pet pig
Whom You Need:
 Th
  e patron saint of pigs is Saint Anthony 
of Egypt (251–356), who’s most famous for his healings. So 

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145
how’d he get linked up with the porksters? Well, mainly be-
cause of his ham-made cures. Back in Anthony’s day skin 
disease was often treated with the application of pork fat. 
Th
  erefore, Anthony was often painted with pigs in tow, and 
worshippers came to see him as a pig-friendly saint (although 
there’s no record he ever hung out with live ones). Speaking of 
pigs, though . . .