Scatter Brained

EDUCATION
1784–1786 
École Royale Militaire
• Studied artillery, which later came in handy. Became fa-
mous in 1795 for using artillery to repel royalist attackers 
on the streets of Paris. 
PERSONAL
Married great love of life, Joséphine, in 1796. Had marriage with 
great love of life annulled in 1810 because she didn’t seem capable 
of bearing male heirs. If only empresses had babies in litters . . .

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from
PUPPIES
PETS AROUND THE WORLD
PATRON SAINTS
THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
DRUNK WRITERS
DRUNK CHAR ACTERS
DA PL ANE!
OUR WACKY PRESIDENTS
ROCK!
to
STALIN

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01
 Puppies
Before puppy love (the kind that human teenagers experience) 
was called puppy love (the fi rst recorded use was in 1834), it was 
known as “calf love.” Equally 
immature but somehow less 
adorable. In fact, the language 
of  love  is  always  changing. 
Why,  it  wasn’t  too  long  ago 
that “fl irting” with a “hunk” 
for example, meant something 
entirely diff erent than it does 
today. Th
 e word 
hunk
 used to 
refer to a slow-witted or fat 
man, and the verb 
to fl irt
 origi-
nally meant “to snub.”
✖  ✖  ✖
About dog years: Th
 e seven-
human-years-per-dog-year 
formula for determining a 
dog’s age isn’t the best avail-
able. Th
 e fi rst year of a pup-
py’s  life  is  equal  to  about  21 
Taking the Bull 
Out of the Bulldog
Bulldogs are so named not be-
cause they look like bulls 
(which, you’ll note, they don’t), 
but rather because they were 
bred for the exclusive purpose 
of attacking bulls. In the spec-
tator sport of “bull baiting,” 
which dates to the Middle 
Ages, a bulldog would bite 
into a bull’s nose and then 
hang on while the bull bucked 
and attempted to gore the dog. 
(This is still done today, but 
now, with humans, and it’s 
called “rodeo.”) For this  reason, 

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140
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
human years; every succeed-
ing year is equal to about four 
human years.
✖  ✖  ✖
Just like many human babies, 
puppies are often born with 
blue  eyes  that  darken  in  the 
fi rst few months of their lives.
✖  ✖  ✖
As for when it’s safe to neuter 
or  spay  your  puppy:  Puppies 
are generally spayed or neu-
tered between the ages of fi ve 
and eight months, but recent 
studies have shown that the 
operations are safe in dogs as 
young as six weeks. And just so you know, some puppies be-
gin humping legs at the tender age of four weeks. (Th
 ey aren’t 
sexually mature for several months, but it’s never too early to 
start practicing!)
owners  bred  dogs  with  short 
teeth (so they wouldn’t hurt the 
bull 
too
 badly), squat bodies 
(harder for bulls to gore), and 
a turned-up nose (so they could 
still breathe even while latched 
onto a bull). Altogether brilliant 
breeding, except for one prob-
lem: The bodies of bulldogs 
don’t actually lend themselves 
to breeding. They’ve been so 
selectively bred that generally 
bulldogs can no longer do it 
themselves—so most bulldog 
pups are the product of artifi -
cial insemination.
The Scoop on Poop
It’s an ancient question: Why do puppies, um, eat their poop? 
There’s a name for that phenomenon, incidentally—coprophagia, 
which we’ll use because it sounds less disgusting than the alterna-
tives. Some veterinary scientists believe that puppies engage in 
coprophagia due to mineral defi ciencies  and  that  giving  dogs  a 
multivitamin will address the issue. Others argue that it’s a result of 
owners using the old “rub their nose in it” potty-training strategy.

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