Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   8

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204
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
took over the church. She 
quickly declared that in the 
Second Coming, Christ would 
assume the body of a woman.
✖  ✖  ✖
You’d think by now the group 
would have theological whip-
lash, and yet it stayed together 
until 1981, when Vernon How-
ell, who would later rename 
himself David Koresh, showed 
up. By the time the ATF raided 
the compound in 1993, the 
Branch Davidians had 130 
mem 
bers. While their num-
bers dwindled after the mas-
sacre, Davidianism is 
still
 
alive: A few people still claim 
to follow Koresh’s teachings.
Prominent  (False) Prophets
HENRY ADAMS
Famous for:
 being the grandson and great-grandson of 
American presidents and writing the memoir 
The Educa-
tion of Henry Adams,
 which Modern Library named the 
Best Nonfi ction Book of the 20th century
Prophecy:
 In his old age, with the confi dence of a man who 
would not live to be proved wrong, Adams declared the 
world as we know it would end in 1921.
Go Ahead, Drink 
the Kool-Aid.
By  now,  “Don’t  drink  the 
Kool-Aid” is a well-known ad-
monishment not to buy into 
collective wisdom. It derives 
from the 1978 Jonestown mas-
sacre, when 914 followers 
of Jim Jones, including 276 
 children, committed suicide. 
But here’s the thing: No one 
at Jonestown drank Kool-Aid. 
They drank cyanide-laced 
grape 
Flavor Aid,
 a Kool-Aid 
competitor—but the poor, in-
nocent Kool-Aid man has been 
taking the fall ever since.

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205
What Happened Instead:
 Adams’s world as 
he
 knew it 
ended in 1918.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
Famous for:
 leading the Nation of Islam, organizing the Mil-
lion Man March, believing in fl ying saucers
Prophecy:
 He said that the Gulf War—the fi rst  one—would 
be “The war of Armageddon, which is the fi nal war.”
What Happened Instead:
 It turned out not to be the fi nal 
war—not even between those two countries in that partic-
ular place.
JAKOB BERNOULLI
Famous for:
 being the mathematician behind the “Bernoulli 
numbers”
Prophecy:
 Bernoulli predicted that a comet fi rst seen in 1680 
would soon return and slam into the Earth with 
Deep Im-
pact
-esque results.
What Happened Instead:
 The comet hasn’t been seen 
since.
RONALD REAGAN
Famous for:
 being the 40th President; 1951’s 
Bedtime for 
Bonzo
Prophecy:
 In 1971, Reagan said, “For the fi rst time ever, ev-
erything is in place for the battle of Armageddon and the 
Second Coming of Christ.”
What Happened Instead:
 The world went on, and Reagan 
got elected president, which was a boon for conservatism 
and also for jelly beans, Reagan’s favorite snack. 
Mmm . . . jelly beans. . . .