Pilot S00E01 Good News, Bad News

143. S08E09 - The Abstinence

Guest Stars: Debra Jo Rupp (Katie) Brenda Strong (Sue Ellen) Bob Odenkirk (Ben) Meagen Fay (Mrs. Burns) Tamara Bick (Louise) Alex Trebek (Voice of Himself) Derek Jeter (Himself) Bernie Williams (Himself) Lawrence A. Mandley (Larry the Cook) Fern Fitzgerald (Ms. Wilkie) Noelle Balfour (Waitress) Kyle Gass (Smoker) Judy Kerr (Woman) David Letterman (Himself (uncredited)) Phil Morris (Jackie Chiles)

George's girlfriend has mononucleosis and he can't have sex with her for six weeks. Elaine's met a doctor who's almost gotten his license to practice. Jerry agrees to appear at career day at his former junior high school, first he is bumped and then there is a fire drill. Kramer lights up a cigar in Monk's and is asked to leave. He meets others on the street who face his dilemma so he opens up his apartment as a smoking lounge. Jerry's agent gets him an assembly at the school. George's lack of sex makes his mind sharper. Elaine learns how much her doctor boyfriend doesn't know about medicine. She uses George's technique to help him study to get his license, but in the process she becomes an idiot. Jerry struggles to figure out how to fill two hours in front of a junior high crowd. George uses his new found intellect to give batting advice, speaks Portuguese and prepares a presentation for Jerry's assembly. Kramer sees his lawyer about a case against the tobacco company, smoking has destroyed his looks. He gets a settlement without Jackie's input. George calculates the odds of scoring with a Portuguese waitress. Elaine's boyfriend gets his license and leaves her sexless.

b: 21-Nov-96 pc: 809 w: Steve Koren d: Andy Ackerman

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144. S08E10 - The Andrea Doria

Guest Stars: Tom Gallop (Alan) Ray Stricklyn (Clarence) Diana Bellamy (Mrs. Ricardi) Rick Hall (Vet) Carl Banks (Policeman #1) Barry Cutler (Policeman #2) Kev O'Neil (Waiter) Ossie Mair (Driver) Fred Pinkard (Old Man) Rene Weisser (Ex-Girlfriend) Brian Blondell (Dog Guy) Theresa Mulligan (Woman) Florinel Fatulescu (Stand Owner) Wayne Knight (Newman) Estelle Harris (Estelle) Jerry Stiller (Frank)

George is excited about the new apartment he is going to move into. Elaine is on a blind date, now called a "set-up." Jerry takes Kramer to his self-storage where they discover that Newman has been hiding bags of mail. George finds out he can't get his apartment because the tenant association is going to give it to an Andrea Doria survivor. Elaine is told her date won't be making it because he's been stabbed. She is aroused by the situation. Kramer's cold is getting bad and he's not going to the doctor, they botched his vasectomy, he's more potent now than ever. Jerry tries to get Newman to get rid of the mail; however, he's not interested because he didn't get the transfer to Hawaii. Kramer finds a dog with a cold that he volunteers to take to the vet, so he can get medicine for their colds. Elaine meets her blind date who gets coffee thrown in his face from another ex-girlfriend. She discovers his problem is that he is a "bad breaker upper." George confronts his rival for the apartment and decides to wage war. Elaine's blind date breaks up with her and tells she has "a big head." From a suggestion by Jerry, George asks for a hearing with the association and tells them the story of his life. Jerry forms "an alliance" with Newman that will hopefully get him out of his life forever. Jerry tries to get Kramer to take his medication. He discovers that Kramer is taking dog medication and beginning to exhibit the signs of being a dog. The big head comment begins to hold true for Elaine and she makes a comment about jamming "a fork in his forehead." Jerry tries to take Kramer to a real doctor. After Kramer bites Newman's ankle, Jerry offers to deliver the rest of his mail. He is too efficient for the post office. Elaine meets up with her blind date and makes good on her promise. Kramer saves the day. George and the survivor don't get the apartment.

b: 19-Dec-96 pc: 810 w: Spike Feresten d: Andy Ackerman

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145. S08E11 - The Little Jerry

Guest Stars: John Michael Higgins (Kurt) Miguel Sandoval (Marcelino) Andrea Bendewald (Celia) Kathryn Joosten (Betsy) Paul Perri (Detective Banner) Al White (Detective Udewitz) Ray Proscia (Guard) Barney Martin (Morty) Liz Sheridan (Helen)

Everyone makes a comment about a bad check of Jerry's that is on display at Marcelino's store. Through the Foundation, George gets the opportunity to visit a women's prison. He is disappointed when the facility doesn't meet his impression of what he thinks a women's prison is. He does however meet a convict that he decides to ask out. He enjoys the liberation that dating a convict offers. Kramer gets a new pet, a rooster that he names "Little Jerry Seinfeld"; of course he really wanted a hen for the eggs. Jerry's parents find out about the check and offer to send money. Elaine finds out her bald boyfriend once had a fine head of hair. She convinces him to start growing it back, but when he does he shows signs of hair-loss. He begins to feel despondent. George's dream relationship hangs on the brink, Celia's up for parole. Kramer enters "Little Jerry" in a cockfight that if he wins, Jerry's bad check will be taken down. George is a character witness for Celia's parole hearing; he testifies to try keeping her in. Jerry's bad check doesn't come down, because Marcelino wants Jerry to do something for him first. Kurt seeks hair-loss advice from George that causes him to propose to Elaine. Jerry and Kramer train "Little Jerry" for the big cockfight. George experiences "fugitive sex" when Celia breaks out after her parole was denied. Celia is tracked down and Kurt is mistaken for George. Marcelino brings a ringer in for the big fight; Kramer tries to save "Little Jerry" but pays the price.

b: 09-Jan-97 pc: 811 w: Jennifer Crittenden d: Andy Ackerman

NOTE: Viewer Ben Nuckols offers this wild theory about this episode: Here's a wild theory. I think there might have been a TV industry "inside joke" in "The Little Jerry," which was on in syndication this week. I knew I recognized the name of John Michael Higgins, who plays Kurt, from somewhere, and I finally figured it out. He played David Letterman in the HBO movie "The Late Shift." I checked the Internet Movie Database to be sure. Of course, he looks completely different with his head shaved. Here's the connection: when "The Late Shift" came out, the real David Letterman complained that the actor playing him had red hair. Higgins was scheduled to be a guest on Letterman's show, but he was bumped, some say due to Letterman's distaste for his portrayal in the picture. Now, do you suppose it's a coincidence that Higgins was cast as a character whose hair was a central issue? Elaine glamorizes the hair color by describing it as "chestnut with auburn highlights." Do you think Seinfeld was taking a lighthearted stab at his buddy Letterman? Offer any comments to Ben at this email address (for as long as it remains valid): [e-mail].
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146. S08E12 - The Money

Guest Stars: Sarah Silverman (Emily) Leon W. Grant (Counterperson) Liz Sheridan (Helen) Barney Martin (Morty) Jerry Stiller (Frank) Estelle Harris (Estelle) John O'Hurley (Peterman) Sandy Baron (Klompus)

Jerry's parents sell the Cadillac to Jack Klompus for $6000 in order to give Jerry some money to help him out. They along with Kramer suggest that Jerry might try a career move. Elaine talks about her Peterman stock options and buys George's coffee. He thinks she is sticking it to him. Jerry and George talk about the money their parents might have. This piques George's interest. Kramer seeks advice from Elaine about his girlfriend's post-sex bed habits. Jerry flies to Florida to buy the Cadillac back. George seeks information on his family's health history. Kramer works out a deal with his girlfriend. Jerry meets with Klompus and agrees to pay $14,000 for it. George anticipating a big inheritance begins to spend money. Unfortunately for him, so do his parents. Klompus has a problem with the car and Jerry returns to Florida. Jerry's parents are still worried about him and wonder what to do. Morty decides to see Elaine about a job; she reluctantly agrees to give him a job, just as Peterman returns. Kramer, fearing a prowler (Jerry's dad), decides he can no longer sleep alone; unfortunately his girlfriend has decided she can. So he moves in with the Costanzas, who tell George that they are moving to Florida. Elaine returns to her regular position at Peterman, with no options. George and Elaine try to discuss their respective problems. Still in Florida, strapped for cash and credit, Jerry sleeps in the Cadillac. Kramer and Emily spend the night as an old married couple in the Costanzas' house. The Seinfelds make a change in their housing as the Costanzas try to settle into their new place.

b: 16-Jan-97 pc: 813 w: Peter Mehlman d: Andy Ackerman

NOTE: Viewer Dan Wyszomierski noticed an interesting sidelight to this episode. "With all of Jerry Seinfeld's real-life ad work for American Express (the card with 'no preset spending limit'), I found it ironic that he made the excuse of 'maxing-out' his credit cards when he was telling everyone why he had to sleep in the Cadillac."

Another viewer notes that Frank says the he and Estelle have slept in separate beds for thirty years because of her Jimmy arms. However, in a previous episode, George claimed to have sex in his parent's bed. Did he push them together? How comfortable would that be?

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147. S08E13 - The Comeback

Guest Stars: Mark Harelik (Milos) Ben Stein (Shellbach) Joel Polis (Reilly) Ivana Milavich (Patty) Danny Strong (Vincent) Richard Livingston (Bill) Charles Kahlenberg (Fred) Stan Sellers (McAdam) Peggy Mannix (Woman) Fatima Love (Secretary) Nancy Linehan Charles (Woman Executive) Jeff Hatz (Manager (Gene))

George has trouble thinking of a comeback to a comment made by Reilly; he does think of one, but it's a little to late. Jerry buys a new tennis racket from a supposed professional. Elaine and Kramer discuss video picks. Elaine prefers picks by Vincent. He prefers picks by Gene or his own. He watches his latest pick and it makes him concerned about spending the rest of his life in a coma. Elaine is intrigued when she receives a phone call from the mysterious Vincent. Jerry discovers that the tennis pro is a hack player. George comes up with what he thinks is the perfect line and will listen to no one else's opinion. Kramer makes a living will, with Elaine as the executor. The tennis pro, fearing he will be exposed, tries to bribe Jerry, including a rendezvous with his wife. Elaine opts for another movie and makes Vincent angry. George finds out that Reilly doesn't work for the Yankees anymore, so he tracks him down to Ohio, where he plans to deliver his line. Kramer finishes the movie he rented and discovers it is possible to recover from a coma, he decides to change his will. Milos' wife has no respect for him; he asks Jerry to let him beat him in tennis. Elaine receives a phone call from Vincent and she convinces him to let her meet him. She is surprised by his appearance. Kramer goes into a coma after being hit with tennis balls. Meanwhile, in Akron, George delivers his line about "the jerk store."

b: 30-Jan-97 pc: 812 w: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin d: David Owen Trainor

NOTE: Viewer Jeffrey Abucay notes that Kramer should have known that you can come out of a coma, after all he witnessed the event occurring in "The Suicide". Viewer Mark Byerly notes that in an installment of Ben Stein's diary in The American Spectator, Stein reveals that in the original script for this episode he was to play a role closer to Reilly, that is, as George's adversary at the office. However, someone decided that Reilly should be a younger, edgier character, so the character was rewritten. Since Stein had been promised a part already, the part of Shellbach was offered to him instead.
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148. S08E14 - The Van Buren Boys

Guest Stars: David Moscow (Lomez Jr.) Bruce Davison (Wyck) Christine Taylor (Ellen) Jed Rhein (Steven Koren) Tony Colitti (Leader) Yunoka Doyle (Lydia) Dublin James (Maurice) Justine Slater (Melissa) Michelle Maika (Kim) Steve Hofvendahl (Man) Barney Martin (Morty) Liz Sheridan (Helen) John O'Hurley (Peterman)

Jerry's girlfriend, Ellen, seems perfect in every way, but everyone else seems to have a problem with her. George interviews candidates for the Foundation's first scholarship. The candidates seem over-qualified, until one comes in who is a lot like he was. Elaine is going to ghost write Peterman's biography. Kramer goes to Lorenzo's pizza, where he has an encounter with the Van Buren boys. He accidentally flashes their gang sign and saves himself. Peterman wants his day to day life covered in his bio; the exotic adventures are for the catalog. His day-to-day life is very boring. She tells him about Kramer's encounter with the gang and he suggests buying the story for his biography. George's scholar makes a change in his plans that causes George to disqualify him from the scholarship. Kramer sells Peterman all of his stories for $750 dollars. Elaine is put at his disposal. To Elaine, Kramer's stories aren't much more interesting. George and Kramer perform an intervention on Jerry's relationship with Ellen. George's scholar joins the Van Buren boys, who apply pressure on George to get the scholarship back. Elaine tells Kramer that he can no longer tell his stories, since they now belong to Peterman. Elaine tries to embellish Kramer's stories, but Peterman finds the rewrites "too clichéd and obvious." She tells him the real Kramer story that he finds much more interesting. He tells Kramer he can have his stories back. George tries to save himself from the Van Buren boys. Jerry flies his parents in to get their impression of Ellen. He begins to see the light.

b: 06-Feb-97 pc: 814 w: Darin Henry d: Andy Ackerman

NOTE: The character name of Steven Koren is taken from the name of Steve Koren who's on the production team.
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149. S08E15 - The Susie

Guest Stars: John O'Hurley (Mr. Peterman) Richard Herd (Mr. Wilhelm) Lee Arenberg (Mike Moffit) Shannon Kenny (Allison) Megan Cole (Peggy) Jane Edith Wilson (Woman)

Kramer decides that daylight saving time isn't coming fast enough, so he sets his watch ahead an hour. Mike, the guy who once referred to Jerry as "a phony," has become a bookie. Peggy, a co-worker of Elaine's calls her "Susie." George is excited about Steinbrenner's ball. He hopes to show off his tall blonde girlfriend with a grand entrance. Instead, she says she wants to talk. He runs away. "If she can't find me, she can't break up with me." He really wants to make that big entrance at the ball. Kramer tells Jerry that he owes Mike $100 for a bet he made on that night's Knicks game. Only Jerry never made the bet; Kramer did it for him. In fact, Kramer attends the game and gets into a fight with a key player that causes Jerry to win his bet. Peggy starts talking to "Susie" about Elaine's memo. Peterman hearing about the complaints demands to see Elaine, Peggy and "Susie" in his office; first thing in the morning. Mike can't pay Jerry, so he offers to help him with his trunk problem, but instead gets his thumbs broken for the trouble. Kramer breaks up with George on behalf of Allison. Elaine makes it through the morning meeting. Mike gets trapped in Jerry's trunk. Elaine and Jerry, in his car, decide it would be best to eliminate "Susie." George reconciles with Kramer. Elaine delivers the eulogy at "Susie's" wake, much to the confusion of Peggy. Kramer, with George, makes a spectacular entrance at the ball. Mike escapes from Jerry's trunk and accuses him of murder. The same fate befalls Elaine that befell George; Peterman puts her in charge of a foundation in "Susie's" honor.

b: 13-Feb-97 pc: 815 w: David Mandel d: Andy Ackerman

NOTE: George's sticky singing phone message:
Believe it or not,

George isn't at home,

So leave your message after beep.

I might be out,

Or I'll pick up the phone,

But wheeeeere could I be?

Believe it or not, I'm not hoooome.
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150. S08E16 - The Pothole

Guest Stars: Jack McGee (Ralph) George Kee Cheung (Owner) Kristin Davis (Jenna) Wayne Knight (Newman) Seraiah Carol (Mrs. Allister) Radmar Agana Jao (Delivery Boy) Walter Addison (Man)

Jerry's girlfriend uses a toothbrush that he had just pulled out of the toilet. George shows of the new key ring that Steinbrenner has given everyone in the organization, celebrating Phil Rizzuto's induction in the hall of fame. Kramer complains about the failing highway infrastructure, so he adopts a one-mile piece of a highway. Elaine tries to order a new Chinese dish, but she lives out of bounds. George loses his keys. Jerry plans to secretly sterilize his girlfriend's mouth. Despite his attempts, he just can't get past the vision of the toothbrush in the toilet. George theorizes that he may have lost his keys when he did a broad jump over a pothole. Kramer works diligently to keep his part of the road clean. Elaine schemes to get her Chinese food by moving into a janitor's closet, located in the building across the street. A woman who lives in the building begins to complain to her about the cleaning up the building needs. Jenna finds out about the toothbrush and sticks something of Jerry's in his toilet; only he doesn't know what. Kramer's plan to improve his mile of road doesn't go as well as he had hoped. Elaine has the gang over for dinner in the janitor closet she's moved into temporarily. George works to clear the pothole. Jerry breaks it off officially when Jenna's toilet problem becomes to much to bear. Elaine brings the garbage to the dump in Jerry's car. Kramer spills the paint thinner on the highway. Sparks hit the spill and Newman is at the heart of the resulting fireball.

b: 20-Feb-97 pc: 816 w: Steve O'Donnell and Dan O'Keefe d: Andy Ackerman

NOTE: According to an appearance by Jerry on the The Tonight Show, this is the 150th episode of Seinfeld. To make this appear as the 150th episode, I've now split "Highlights of a Hundred" into two parts, no longer call it a special and have integrated it into the guide.
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151. S08E17 - The English Patient

Guest Stars: Lloyd Bridges (Izzy Mentlebaum) Chelsea Noble (Danielle) O'Neal Compton (Earl Haffler) Lisa Mende (Carol) Gene Dynarski (Izzy Jr.) Marco Rodriguez (Guillermo) Joseph Urla (Dugan) Jill Talley (Gail) Jill Holden (Lisa) Todd Jeffries (Blaine) Earl Schuman (Izzy Sr.) Edgar Small (Sid Luckman) Lauren Bowles (Waitress) Juan Garcia (Jaime) Jeff Miller (Neil) Liz Sheridan (Helen) Barney Martin (Morty) John O'Hurley (Peterman)

A woman mistakes George for her boyfriend Neil, a guy who looks just like him. This intrigues George; he wants to meet Neil. Jerry is going to Florida to help his parents move. Kramer asks him to pick up some Cubans from his cigar guy and also gives him a T-shirt. Elaine and her boyfriend see "The English Patient"; she absolutely hates it and that makes her unpopular and dumped. Jerry's dad gets the T-shirt, #1 Dad, that he is very proud to wear, despite its small size. At his parents' exercise room, Jerry meets Izzy, an 80-year-old man who can't stand to lose; he challenges Jerry to a weightlifting competition; "It's go time!" He throws his back out again and again. Kramer's Cubans arrive; they're real people and not the cigars that Jerry thought he would be getting. George is overly obsessed with Neil, to the point where he is missing out on Danielle. Jerry is back in New York, where Izzy has returned to see a back specialist. Though Kramer's Cubans are really Dominicans he tries to pass them off as "Cubans" anyway; it doesn't work. Elaine's dislike for the film alienates her from everyone. When she tells Peterman that she hasn't seen the film, he immediately takes steps to correct the situation. Jerry meets the rest of Izzy's family all of who are fiercely competitive. He finds work for Kramer's "Cubans." Elaine still hates the movie, but must go to the Tunisian desert to live in a cave to save her job. Kramer thinks his unemployed Dominicans, whom he educated about communism, are planning to revolt; later they do. George gets a last word on Neil when Danielle makes a decision between the two of them.

b: 13-Mar-97 pc: 817 w: Steve Koren d: Andy Ackerman

NOTE: Viewer Richard McCormick notes that there is blooper in this episode, when the audience behind Peterman and Elaine changes around.
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152. S08E18 - The Nap

Guest Stars: Stephen Lee (Conrad) Vince Grant (Hal) Angelo Tiffe (Delivery Man) JoNell Kennedy (Secretary) Mik Scriba (Bomb Squad Guy) Terry Rhoads (Father) Sid Newman (Old Man) Kevin Keckeisen (Brian) Kyle Sullivan (Son) Richard Herd (Wilhelm)

George is tired and needs to take a nap while at work; he finds the perfect place, under his desk. Kramer has taken up swimming, but he finds the pool too constricting for his needs; he begins swimming in the East River. Elaine's date is worried about his back and hers; he sends her a mattress and she gets the wrong idea. She gives the mattress to Kramer. Jerry is getting new kitchen cabinets, but the contractor is constantly asking him questions. George gets Jerry's contractor to make some modifications for his desk, including space for an alarm clock. Steinbrenner is in George's office looking for him; he decides to wait for George to return. George gets Jerry to phone in a bomb threat in an effort to get Steinbrenner out of his office. After finding George under the desk, Steinbrenner thinks he has ESP and would be perfect to meet the terrorist's demand of a fitted hat day. Meanwhile, Jerry's contractor, left on his own, has made a change in Jerry's kitchen that no one likes. Elaine gets her mattress back when she gets the right idea; however, Kramer has fouled it up with the stench of the East River. Elaine's boyfriend discovers the benefits of swimming in the East River. Steinbrenner hears a ticking sound in George's office, thinks it's a bomb and calls in the bomb squad. Jerry decides he needs his old kitchen back. Elaine throws her back out trying to get rid of the mattress. Kramer's river gets crowded and George finds a new place to nap.

b: 10-Apr-97 pc: 818 w: Gregg Kavet & Andy Robin d: Andy Ackerman

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153. S08E19 - The Yada Yada

Guest Stars: Robert Wagner (Dr. Abbott) Jill St. John (Mrs. Abbott) Debra Messing (Beth) Suzanne Cryer (Marcy) Stephen Caffrey (Arnie) Henry Woronicz (Father Curtis) Monica Lacey (Julie) Ali Marsh (Karen) David Chandler (Brian) Virginia Watson (Nun) Walter Franks (Waiter) Jerry Maren (Dad) Danny Woodburn (Mickey) Bryan Cranston (Whatley)

George's girlfriend is big on using the phrase "yada yada"; Jerry says at least she is succinct. Jerry's dentist just became Jewish and he is already making jokes that make Jerry uncomfortable. Kramer and Mickey double date but they can't decide which of the women is right for them. Elaine is a character reference for a couple who is trying to adopt; a story she tells during the interview destroys all hope of adoption. George drops by Jerry's dental appointment. Mickey and Kramer continue to fight over who gets Karen or Julie. George determines that his girlfriend might be leaving out some significant details with her overuse of the phrase "yada yada." He gets her to fill in the details and discovers more than he wants to know. Jerry confesses to a priest about what he thinks about Tim's conversion. George drops by Jerry's confession. Kramer decides on the right woman and Mickey also decides to make his a commitment. Tim hears about Jerry's dental joke. After hearing Jerry's complaints about Tim, Kramer accuses Jerry of being an "anti-dentite." Elaine lobbies on behalf of Beth and Arnie and makes a sacrifice to try getting them a child. Meanwhile, Beth comes to Jerry for help when her marriage is falling apart. It does and she accompanies Jerry to Mickey's wedding where she reveals an unknown side of her personality.

b: 24-Apr-97 pc: 819 w: Peter Mehlman and Jill Franklyn d: Andy Ackerman

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