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How to Talk to Anyone 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships (Leil Lowndes) (z-lib.org)

What Are Empathizers?
Empathizers are simple, short, supportive statements. Unlike “uh
huh,” they are complete sentences such as “I can appreciate you
decided to do that,” or “That really is exciting.” Empathizers can
be one-sentence positive critiques like “Yes, that was the honor-
able thing to do,” or “It’s charming you felt that way.”
When you respond with complete sentences instead of the
usual grunts, not only do you come across as more articulate, but
your listener feels that you really understand.
Of course, you pay a price. To use the right empathizers, you
do need to listen.
Now let’s fine-tune this technique and explore advanced
empathizing.
How to Make Them Feel You Empathize
187
Technique #47
Employ Empathizers
Don’t be an unconscious ummer. Vocalize complete
sentences to show your understanding. Dust your
dialogue with phrases like “I see what you mean.”
Sprinkle it with sentimental sparklers like “That’s a
lovely thing to say.” Your empathy impresses your
listeners and encourages them to continue.
05 (171-198B) part five 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 187


About ten years ago, I had a roommate named Brenda. Brenda
was a tap dance teacher who didn’t just tap dance to make a liv-
ing. She lived to tap. Posters of Bill “Bojangles” Robinson and
Charles “Honi” Coles plastered her walls. She didn’t walk around
the house. She tapped her way from room to room. It was noisy,
but at least, when a phone call came for Brenda, I never had trou-
ble finding her.
Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said,
“From the moment I first opened my ears.” Her ears? I thought,
that’s strange. Most people say “from the moment I opened my
eyes.” At that moment, I realized Brenda “saw” the world more
through her ears than her eyes.
We all perceive the world through five senses. We see the
world. We hear the world. We feel the world. We smell the world.
And we taste the world. Therefore, we talk in terms of those five
senses. Proponents of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) tell us,
for each person, one sense is stronger than others. For Brenda, it
was her hearing.
Brenda told me she grew up in a dark apartment below street
level in New York City. She remembers, as an infant, hearing the
pitter-patter of feet walking just above her crib on the sidewalk.
188
How to Make Them Think
You See/Hear/Feel It
Just the Way They Do

48
05 (171-198B) part five 8/14/03 9:18 AM Page 188
Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.


As a toddler, her tiny ears were bombarded with honking horns,
shrieking sirens, and tire chains slapping the icy streets. She espe-
cially remembers the clumpety-clomp of police horses’ hoofs on
the pavement outside her window. Her first perceptions of the out-
side world came to her through her ears. To this day, sound dom-
inates her life. Brenda, the tap dancer, is an auditory person.
Since neurolinguists suggest invoking our listener’s strongest
sense, I tried a few auditory references on Brenda. Rather than
saying, “That looks good to me,” I’d say “That sounds good.”
Instead of saying, “I see what you mean,” I’d say, “I hear you.”
When I used these auditory references, I felt she paid more
attention.
So I started listening very carefully to all my friends to dis-
cover which was their primary perception. Sometimes I’d hear
visual references like
“I see what you mean.”
“That looks good to me.”
“I can’t picture myself doing that.”
“I take a dim view of that idea.”
“From my perspective . . .”
Wow, I thought I was really on to something!

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