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- Anger = I lost it and I want it back
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Mercy Center, Inc. 520 West Buena Ventura Street Colorado Springs, CO 80907 719.633.2302 ~ 719.633.1031 fax www.mercycenter.com email: themercycenter@aol.com ABOUT THE PRESENTER Rev. William J. Jarema, B.A., M.S., M.Div., M.A.S., Founder and Program Director of the Mercy Center for Healing the Whole Person, Colorado Springs, Colorado, with numerous satellite programs throughout the United States and three foreign mission projects in the West Indies. Founder and Spiritual Director of the Society of Missionaries of Mercy, a private association of the Christian faithful for clergy, laity, men and women, married and single. A lay institute for the training of men and women as spiritual directors, and inner healing specialists, lay missionaries dedicated to a spirituality of mercy and the healing ministry of Jesus Christ. As a community, they are dedicated to the vow of conversion of life and the spiritual and corporal works of mercy. Fr. Bill has provided workshops, retreats and clergy conferences nationwide. As part of the Mercy Center team, he offers residential pastoral care treatment programs for clergy and religious called the Vitality program, a 13-week sabbatical program, and a Spiritual Directors Training/Renewal Program in Colorado Springs, Colorado. He provides a specialized program for clergy and religious on "Conscious Celibacy: Truth or Consequence," an intensive review of the biological, psychological and social implications of celibacy and those who dare to be celibate in the 21st century. Father Bill is a national consultant and educator for profit and nonprofit corporations and a National Certified Counselor, Spiritual Director, Workshop and Retreat Director. Fr. Bill specializes in whole person healing, typology and team building, corporate development management and assessment, marriage, family and organizational addictions/dysfunction, and an eclectic approach to healing, wholeness and well being. He also provides a parish assessment program called; “Creating a Parish Think Tank” that will empower every level of your parish and school to contribute to designing a 3-5 year pastoral plan Author of: Fathering the Next Generation: Men Mentoring Men, Crossroad Publications, 1994. There's a Hole in My Chest: Healing and Hope for Adult Children Everywhere, Crossroad Publications, 1996. Creating a Parish Think Tank: A program for helping parishes assess and explore resources, ministries, hidden potential and future growth and development, 1996. Distributed by Mercy Center, Inc. A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Alter: Comedy, Parables and Miracles & Angelic Encounters. Distributed by Mercy Center, Inc 2005 (All proceeds support 2nd and 3rd world missionaries who wish to attend the 13-week sabbatical program at the Mercy Center) Newly Released: The Conscious Celibacy Workbook: Truth or Consequences Soon To Be Released: Climbing Out of The Anger Pit and The Four Gardens: An Allegory for Those Along the Way and Walking the Tight Rope: A Survivors Manual for Church Ministers What Our Parents or Significant Caregivers Give to Us
Mom’s FluidDad’s Container Mom’s FluidManage EmbodimentContain Affectivity Boundaries Relationship Limits Connected Defend Touch Protect Bond Compete Affiliate Hold on to Relate Provide Express Conquer Attach Exclude Include Dad’s Container  
How Does Father Pass on to His Children His Contributions of Adult Life Skills?
Loss Letters to my Father/Mother/Brother/Sister/Employer/Husband/Wife Dear _________, this is what I learned from you… Dear_________, this is what I am grateful for because of you… Dear __________, this is what I need to give back to you…. Dear________, this is what I lost because….. Dear _______, this is what I want/need from you…. How Does Mother Pass on to Her Children Her Contributions of Adult Life Skills?
TRAITS OF A HEALTHY FAMILY The healthy family ...
1. communicates and listens. 2. affirms and supports one another. 3. teaches respect for others. 4. develops a sense of trust. 5. has a sense of play and humor. 6. exhibits a sense of shared responsibility. 7. teaches a sense of right and wrong. 8. has a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound. 9. has a balance of interaction among members. 10. has a shared religious core. 11. respects the privacy of one another. 12. values service to others. 13. fosters family table time and conversations. 14. shares leisure time. 15. admits to and seeks help with problems. As children the words we would most like to hear from our mothers as children are: “I love you.” “Yes.” “Time to eat.” “You can go.” “You can stay up late.”
“Your friend can spend the night.” “
“I don’t care who says so.” “Don’t argue with me.” “Because I say so.” “Ask your father.”
“Where are my books?” “I didn’t do it.” “It’s her turn - I did it last time.” “How come I never get to ...” “He started it.” “You never let me do that when I was her/his age.” “I don’t know…” I’m glad we have such a good daughter/son.” “You can go out and play.” “Sleep in.” “How was your day?” “It’s Saturday.” “You are my favorite.” “You were good tonight.” “Help me make a cake.” “I’m glad I have you.” “You’re great.” “I’m sorry.”
From: Traits of a Healthy Family By: Dolores Curran
Taken from Nick Stinnett, 1978, social scientist How a family handles its conflicts and resolves fights affects everyone in the household. All happy families resemble one another; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own rite. (Anna Karenia, by Leo Tolstoi) Tips for Anger Management & Resolution
PRAYER FOR DEPARTED SOULS (Prayer of the Faithful) Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation. I freely choose to praise and thank you for all you did through your Son, Jesus Christ, who came to teach me how to live life to the full.
may (departed person) be gathered together and go on towards heaven and be reunited there with all your saints and angels. Now, Lord, because (departed person) has departed and no longer looks to me, or pressures me, may I be healed and become the person you intended me to become, to live your praise and glory. Amen. PRAYER FOR RECONCILIATION Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation. I freely choose to praise and thank you for all you did through your Son, Jesus Christ, who came to teach me how to live life to the full. I pray for (name of person you want to reconcile with) and ask that you take him/her into your loving arms and fill him/her with your mercy and peace. In the name of Jesus Christ, the Prince of Love, I commit (name of person you want to reconcile with) to your authority and ask that you present him/her to the Father and the fullness of his glory. I seek your forgiveness, Lord, for not doing this earlier. I ask that (name of person you want to reconcile with) may know my personal love and reconciliation. Here I wish to show forth to (name of person you want to reconcile with) and his/her family all that you have achieved: that in the bread I will hold is your life and teaching, your body and blood, your brokenness and healing through your stripes. That in your shed blood is the free gift of freedom from the guilt and the stain of sin. That through the torn veil we have direct access to you. That, in rising, you defeated Satan and his companions. That you became available to all who seek your mercy. Now may the angel of mercy embrace (name of person you want to reconcile with) and at this moment may he/she be empowered with your loving gentleness. I choose to surrender all my concerns, thoughts, feelings and desires for (name of person you want to reconcile with) and place them at the foot of your cross to become what you choose them to become. Now, Lord, because I choose to surrender (name of person you want to reconcile with) to your loving care, I no longer will be pressured or oppressed by this relationship. May I now be healed and become the person you intended me to become, to live your praise and glory. Amen. Anger = I lost it and I want it backThe greater the value placed on that which is lost the greater the intensity of the anger. Three options to anger resolution:
Four steps to healing anger
Anxiety = I want it but I can’t have itThe more I want it and the more I can’t have it, the more intense will be the anxiety. The question is, “Who said that you can’t have it?” Anxiety always relates to sexuality and sexual feelings. Remember the word sexual means, “the capacity to feel and to relate.” Who taught you that you should not feel or relate out loud, between relationships or in public? Fear = I want it but I can’t manage itFear is object related and is learned. To manage fear we must learn the life skills required for the task at hand. In doing so we can desensitize the fear. Grief = I lost (someone or something) and I will be changed – yet I refuse to change. The longer I will refuse the changes that will occur because of the loss of someone or something, the longer the grief. This includes the loss of body parts due to surgery or disease or aging, life transitions from single hood, marriage, celibacy, widowhood, unemployment including retirement, transfers and relocation, loss or change in relationships. There are two faces of grief: the sad experience of missing and longing for what use to be. This sort of grief can provoke mourning and bereavement. The other side of grief can create feelings of relief and resolution. This experience of grief can happen when a loved one has suffered a difficult illness and you know within your heart that death brought relief from pain, poor quality of life and the hope that they are in a better place due to death. All four emotions that are left unspent and unmanaged can cause some serious physical and psychological distress. Of all four emotions, GRIEF is the most volatile and can cause internal damage and disease. (e.g. Two couples married for 35 years. The one spouse dies. The other spouse has unresolved grief. Within two months, the other spouse dies.)
Without being forgiven, released from the consequences of what we have done, our capacity to act would, as it were, be confined to one single deed from which we could never recover; we would remain the victims of its consequences forever, not unlike the sorcerer's apprentice who lacked the magic formula to break the spell. The Effects of Our Reluctance There is...a condition for receiving God's gift of forgiveness. [We] must be willing to accept it. Absurd as it may seem, there are few who will believe in and accept the forgiveness of God so completely as to...leave their sin with [God] forever they are always re-opening the vault where they have deposited their sin,...forever asking to have it back in order to fondle it, to reconstruct, to query, to worry over it...Thus their sin ties them to the past. How is Forgiveness Possible? Loose the cords of mistakes binding us, as we release the strands we hold of others' guilt. Lighten our load of secret debts as we relieve others of their need to repay. Forgive our hidden past, the secret shames, as we consistently forgive what others hide. Our Resistance to Forgiveness An Authentic Forgiveness unforgiving forgiveness is the name of heart blocks flows freely love practiced the mystery from the among people of divine heart. who love grace. poorly. We I experienced the Genuine must foundation of forgiveness acknowledge forgiveness not draws us how hard beyond but in right into the it is to the middle heart of forgive. of my broken divine life.1 self.
SELF-ASSESSMENT EXERCISE Below are listed events which occur in the process of living. Place a check in the left hand column for each of those events that have happened to you during the last 12 months. (Thomas H. Holmes, University of Washington School of Medicine, Life Change and Stress) LIFE EVENT LIFE CHANGE UNITS Death of Spouse 100 Divorce 75 Marital Separation 65 Jail term 63 Death of close family member 63 Personal injury or illness 53 Marriage 50 Fired from work 47 Marital Reconciliation 45 Retirement 45 Change in family member’s health 44 Pregnancy 40 Sex difficulties 39 Addition to family 39 Business readjustment 39 Change in financial status 38 Death of close friend 37 Change to different line of work 36 Change in number of marital arguments 35 Mortgage or loan over $100,000 31 Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30 Change in work responsibilities 29 Son or daughter leaving home 29 Trouble with in-laws 29 Outstanding personal achievement 28 Spouse begins to stop work 26 Starting or finishing school 26 Change in living conditions 25 Revision of personal habits 24 Trouble with boss 23 Change in work hours, conditions 20 Change in residence 20 Change in school 20 Change in recreational habits 19 Change in church activities 19 Change in social activities 18 Mortgage or loan under $100,000 17 Change in sleeping habits 16 Change in number of family gatherings 15 Change in eating habits 15 Vacation 13 Christmas season 12 Minor violations of the law 11 Total Your Score:___________ After checking the items above, add up the point values for all of the items checked. under 150 - 30% will have physical/emotional illness; 150-299 - 50% will have physical/emotional illness; Over 300 - 80% will have physical/emotional illness. FAMILY SYSTEMS AND ALCOHOLISM EVERYONE in the family system has the disease; it just happens that only one (or perhaps even nobody visible) has the bottle. Physical illness, financial difficulties, and the other problems are more common and harder to deal with in alcoholic and children-of-alcoholic family systems. The Significant Roles in a Dysfunctional Family System 1. The Alcoholic. The alcoholic may be a parent, spouse, child, aunt or uncle, grandparent, etc. The Alcoholic feels somewhat aloof and estranged from others, and tends to wind up in a downward spiral of increasing isolation, guilt, and destructive (of self and others) behavior. He/She is a lonely person, who feels more like a thing or a piece of furniture. This person may even be aware of his/her non-involvement in the life of the family and may hate that condition, but feels powerless to do anything about it. Note that the person in the role of the “Alcoholic” need not actually abuse alcohol; an ACOA may be a “dry drunk” in the role of the Alcoholic, wielding the same power, but without the bottle or other socially recognized addiction. Substitute addictions (food, work, sex, etc.) or a predisposition toward obsessive or “magical” thinking (“looking for the Messiah in the desert”, i.e., not within but outside--friendships, self-help fads) may be an indication. The features which characterize the alcoholic may come to characterize any or all of this person’s children, spouse, and other close relatives, even friends. The Alcoholic family displays a pattern of distancing and pursuit. The Alcoholic, with a deficient sense of self, fears family members (and others) who seem to demand more than he/she feels able to give. The Alcoholic grows more distant as he or she flees situations that seem too emotionally demanding. The other family members, for their part, try even harder to draw the Alcoholic into the life of the family (pursuit). This pursuit may also be motivated by a need on their part for validation through another person, i.e., “I’m no good unless I am loved by somebody (in this case the Alcoholic), helping somebody (again, here, the Alcoholic), or recognized by somebody important." The family members thus find themselves engaged in a process known as “de-selfing” in which they consider themselves, their feelings, needs, thoughts, etc., less important than those of the Alcoholic. 2. The Spouse. The Spouse spends a great deal of time and energy in thorough-going denial of the partner’s condition or its severity. In fact, the Spouse is caught in a double bind: on the one hand, he/she desperately reaches out for help, yet, on the other, feels a need to conceal the problem. Part of this stems from guilt, since ACOA/Alcoholic Spouses see the Alcoholic’s distancing as a reflection on their own failures--they see the problem as their own. The median time for reality to become so tragically unbearable that it breaks through denial is EIGHT YEARS. By that time, denial has been replaced by terror. To find some self-validation, however, (i.e., to stop “de-selfing” in deference to the “Alcoholic,”) a price will have to be paid, and this price may seem intolerably high; the spouse (or other family member) will meet resistance both within and outside the system and will have to cope with guilt feelings, doubt, etc. The most common process in alcoholics and ACOA families is blaming. It is virtually certain that a “blamer” will marry a “blamer,” perpetuating and propagating the family pattern among the children. (Blaming is, among other things, a manifestation of Family Law #1). 3. The Hero. The Hero, or (Over-)Responsible Person, is often the first child, who is reared to be a great success, the “A” student. The Hero seems able to do nothing wrong. Heroes often enter the helping professions, since they make good, responsible fixers; the danger is that they frequently are trying to solve their own problems vicariously through their clients. They are prone to become substance abusers themselves later in life since their apparent outward success in life is matched by an inner emptiness and confusion, a detachment from the satisfaction they expect but miss. The Hero is known as a pleaser, with little to his/her individual identity that is not a response to someone else’s expectations. The Hero may become extremely competent, since he/she tries to meet the needs and expectations of others, and does not have a firm value system of his/her own on which to rely. The Hero may also feel an inability to stand alone in the face of disapproval or criticism. Parents tend to view this child’s degree of success as a reflection of their own competence and worth. (You have to turn out OK because we couldn’t. If you turn out OK, by our standards, we’ll be able to view ourselves as good parents.) 4. The Scapegoat. The Scapegoat lives in the shadow of the Hero. This is the person who “acts out” rebellion, rejecting the family system from which he/she feels excluded because of an inability to live up to the Hero’s record. The Scapegoat is thus more likely to seek out peer-group support and may in fact wind up in chemical-abusing peer groups. On the other hand, therapists find the Scapegoat to be the most hopeful of the family system members in therapy, precisely because of this person’s rebelliousness. The Scapegoat often reports feelings of self-pity and anger. 5. The Adapter. The Adapter is also called the Lost Child, because this child misses out on both the positive attention bestowed on the Hero and the negative attention paid to the Scapegoat. This is the person who “slips through the cracks”. This person is often a loner, spending a great deal of time in a bedroom, reading, watching TV, etc., especially when tensions surface within the family, at which point the Lost Child absents himself/herself. This child becomes very self-sufficient, very good at adapting to any situation, and may have the motto, “whatever happens, I can take it”. This is not a position of real autonomy, however, because this person, though independent, is also the neediest of all. The Adapter is the ultimate “de-selfer” in the family and outside, “adapting” by deferring to all others. Hence, the Adapter displays extremely low self-esteem, passive-aggressive behavior (habitual lateness, forgetfulness, clumsiness, etc.). Adapters have the highest suicide rates of all members of alcoholic and COA families. One of this person’s adaptation mechanisms is simply not to feel; it may take a long time for this person to reappropriate permission to feel feelings. 6. The Mascot. This child seeks, and may get, lots of attention and affection. This person may become the “joker” in the family, easing the tension with humor (which also has the effect of diverting attention from the real issues). Hence, the Mascot may be very popular, but he/she has also learned not to take anything too seriously because it hurts too much if that is done. The Mascot may be a very helpful person or a pest, or both at different times. 7. The Placator. This person is the peacemaker or diplomat of the family, the “traffic cop” who gently and effectively enables the family to function as if it were normal, or at least for it to appear so to the eyes of the outsiders. This person takes responsibility for the feelings of other people in the family. These roles may change from time to time. At different times in a person’s life he/she may pick up characteristics of several roles, or even change roles entirely, especially if one family member breaks out of his/her role or place in the system. There will be a “functional shift;” others will take over the aspects of that person’s role which were essential to the smooth functioning of the system and its cover-up apparatus. THE SENSITIVE LINK Once you have understood the 5 typologies of a dysfunctional family system, there is another role a child can play within the family system. The Sensitive Link is the child (typically only one child is the SL) who embodies the unresolved pain, grief and anger of the family system. Not every family has a Sensitive Link. The Sensitive Link is not written about. The concept of the Sensitive Link came from the work Fr. Bill Jarema has done over the years with the Genogram. The Sensitive link typically acts out, unconsciously, the unrelented grief of the family system. Acting out usually includes running away from home, sexual activity, sleep disorders, eating disorders, explosive rage or serious withdrawal, depression, anxiety, etc. Body symptoms dominate the life of the Sensitive Link. If the family’s grief grows with intensity, the Sensitive Link will become more ill and physical pain will increase. One example: dad comes home drunk and begins to yell and scream. Mom cries, the other siblings do their roles--including the Sensitive Link. But the Sensitive Link will become seriously sick, wet the bed, have nightmares, stop eating or overeat, hurt themselves and others. Usually the Sensitive Link (as an adult) knows, in retrospect, that this is the role they played in the family system. Chronic headaches, gastrointestinal symptoms, migraines, panic attacks, anxiety disorders, depression are but a few of the ways the Sensitive Link embodies the unresolved grief of the family. Why is there a Sensitive Link? The Sensitive Link has special abilities that need to be disciplined and understood. The Sensitive Link has an intense ability to feel intuitively and pick up the unspoken pain of the family. If the Sensitive Link does not enter into recovery and begin to release the vast amount of pain they feel for the family, they will die prematurely. If the Sensitive Link comes to consciousness about their abilities to feel the pain of others, embody this pain, they can become skilled at intuition, discernment, empathy, compassion and entering other people’s frame of reference, especially those in need of recovery, e.g., mother with depression, Sensitive Link may cry at inappropriate times and occasions and doesn’t know why he/she does this. But knows they feel sad about something. Examples: Father would drink and his youngest son would wet the bed. Every time her mother would begin to talk about her fears and anxieties, a young girl, age 8, the 5th of 7 children, would have recurrent nightmares. The more the mother talked and processed her fears out loud, the more the child embodied her mother’s fears and anxieties. Later this child developed sleep talking and walking. This child was hospitalized and within days of being away from her mother, she no longer suffered from the sleep disorders. Another girl of 12 and her mother would talk about all the horrible things that could have happened to the girl’s father every time he would not come home from work at the anticipated time. Father was an alcoholic and frequently drove home drunk. This girl began to break out in a rash all over her chest and throat. The more she and her mother would anticipate tragedy, the worse the rash became. A young boy of 7 would be to cough every time mom and dad would fight with each other, which was frequently. His coughing episode led to serious medical complications. He was hospitalized. While in the hospital, he had no coughing seizures or episodes. When mother and father came into the room, his coughing episode kicked in. One woman recounts how she would cry endlessly for no apparent reason. She would wake up crying, not knowing why she was doing so. Later in life, she found out that her father would beat her mother, and, because the room was on the other side of the house, she never knew consciously what was going on. When she found out about the violence, she and her mother compared noted as to when some of these violent episodes occurred. Most of them paralleled the times this little girl woke up crying and sobbing. P      RAYER FOR DEPARTED SOULS
(Prayer of the Faithful) Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation. I freely choose to praise and thank you for all you did through your Son, Jesus Christ, who came to teach me how to live life to the full. I pray for (departed person) and ask that you take him/her into your kingdom of eternal happiness and peace. In the name of Jesus Christ, the Prince of Love, I commission ___________ (departed person) to go home to meet you, Father, and the fullness of your glory. I seek your forgiveness, Lord, for not doing this earlier. I ask that__________________ (departed person) may know my personal love and reconciliation. Here I wish to show forth to (departed person) and his/her angels all you achieved: that in the bread I will hold is your life and teaching, your body and blood, your brokenness and healing through your stripes. That in your shed blood is the free gift of freedom from the guilt and the stain of sin. That through the torn veil we have direct access to you. That in rising, you defeated Satan and his companions and you became available to all the departed. Now may the angels of mercy with (departed person) see you ascend and open heaven’s gates. And now may (departed person) be gathered together and go on towards heaven and be reunited there with all your saints and angels. Now, Lord, because (departed person) has departed and no longer looks to me, or pressures me, may I be healed and become the person you intended me to become, to live your praise and glory. Amen. PRAYER FOR RECONCILIATION Blessed are you, Lord God of all creation. I freely choose to praise and thank you for all you did through your Son, Jesus Christ, who came to teach me how to live life to the full. I pray for (name of person you want to reconcile) and ask that you take him/her into your loving arms and fill him/her with your mercy and peace. In the name of Jesus Christ, the Prince of Love, I commit (name of person you want to reconcile) to your authority and ask that you present him/her to the Father and the fullness of his glory. I seek your forgiveness, Lord, for not doing this earlier. I ask that (name of person you want to reconcile) may know my personal love and reconciliation. Here I wish to show forth to (name of person you want to reconcile) and his/her family all that you have achieved: that in the bread I will hold is your life and teaching, your body and blood, your brokenness and healing through your stripes. That in your shed blood is the free gift of freedom from the guilt and the stain of sin. That through the torn veil we have direct access to you. That, in rising, you defeated Satan and his companions and you became available to all who seek your mercy. Now may the angel of mercy embrace (name of person you want to reconcile) and at this moment may he/she be empowered with your loving gentleness. I choose to surrender all my concerns, thoughts, feelings and desires for (name of person you want to reconcile) and place them at the foot of your cross to become what you choose them to become. Now, Lord, because I choose to surrender (name of person you want to reconcile) to your loving care, I no longer will be pressured or oppressed by this relationship. May I now be healed and become the person you intended me to become, to live your praise and glory. Amen. 1 Weavings, A Journal of the Christian Spiritual Life. March/April, 1992 Download 1,45 Mb. Do'stlaringiz bilan baham:
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