The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

STRATEGY #5: TAKE OWNERSHIP
OF YOUR DECISION
H
ave you ever noticed how easy it is to say “I can’t” when
someone asks for your time, money, or labor? For some of
us, the response is practically automatic. It’s a reflex. We
say “I can’t” before we’re able to consider what it means.
In most cases, we actually can help. It’s technically
possible for us to do so. We can surrender our time. We can
give money. And notwithstanding physical ailments, we can
offer our labor. But when we turn down requests, we choose
to say “I can’t.”
This response allows us to avoid taking ownership of our
decisions. We get into the habit of turning people down
without expressing our decisions as a matter of personal
choice.
In my opinion, this has a harmful effect over the long
run. If we avoid taking ownership of our decisions to decline
requests, we never feel truly empowered with a sense of
personal agency. Every time we say “I can’t,” we train our
minds to avoid taking responsibility. “I can’t” implies that
we’re at the mercy of external constraints.
Over time, this gives us the false sense that we’re not in
control. We begin to believe that external factors undermine
our authority - that our personal decisions aren’t truly our
own to make.

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That’s the opposite of empowering. It’s disempowering.
And it can have a significant negative psychological effect
on our behaviors and thoughts.
The good news is that there’s a simple, if not easy,
solution. When you must turn down a request or invitation,
express your decision as a personal choice. Instead of telling
the requestor, “I can’t,” tell him or her:
I don’t want to.”
Give a reason if you suspect doing so will defuse a
potentially combative response. (Make sure your reason is
sincere and not simply an excuse.) The important thing is
that you own your decision.
Responding in this manner to requests you’re unable to
accommodate is an affirmation of your will and personal
authority. You’re not blaming external constraints for your
refusal to help. You’re making conscious choices regarding
how you spend your time, energy, and other limited
resources.
The more you use phrasing that expresses your will, the
more confident you’ll become in turning down requests that
conflict with your needs and convictions. And the more
respect you’ll inspire in those who seek your help.

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