The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

Part III: 10 Strategies For
Saying No (Without Feeling Like A Jerk). We’re going to
cover a variety of ways you can turn down requests with
grace, poise, and integrity.
Are you ready to vanquish your inner people pleaser? If
so, grab a beverage, get comfortable, and read on…

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PART III
10 STRATEGIES FOR
SAYING NO (WITHOUT
FEELING LIKE A JERK)
The biggest challenge you face when learning to say no is
overcoming the feelings of guilt, fear, and shame that
surface when you disappoint people. That’s no small task. In
many cases, it requires unraveling years of training.
Some of us, myself included, have spent the majority of
our lives accommodating others. We’ve trained ourselves
through continuous application to put others before
ourselves. Reversing that habit will take a fair amount of
time and effort.
The good news is, anybody can do it. If you’re willing to
apply the tactics I’ll share with you in the following pages,
you’ll gradually curb your people-pleasing tendencies. As
you say no more and more often, you’ll discover that doing
so gives you the freedom to spend your time pursuing more
productive and rewarding endeavors.
As I mentioned earlier, this isn’t about refusing to help
people. Rather, the goal is to learn how to say no without
feeling guilty when you know it’s the best decision given
your circumstances.
With that out of the way, let’s jump in and discuss
Strategy #1.

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STRATEGY #1: BE DIRECT AND
STRAIGHTFORWARD
D
oes the following scenario sound familiar?
Someone asks you for help. The problem is, you’re
swamped with projects, and consequently lack the time to
lend a hand. You know you must say no to the person’s
request. There’s no other option given the volume of work
on your plate.
But you don’t respond with “I’m sorry. I’m unable to help
you.” Instead, you hem and haw, and eventually say
“Ummm… maybe, but I’m kinda busy. I don’t know how
much time I can spare.”
This sends a mixed message to the requestor. It tells
him or her that you’re otherwise engaged, but may be
receptive to the request. It signals that you might be
persuaded 
to 
set 
aside 
your 
responsibilities 
to
accommodate him or her.
The requestor is likely to take advantage of the
opportunity by conveying a heightened sense of urgency
(e.g. “This is super important, and I really need your help
right now!”).
When you waffle in response to a request, you
inadvertently welcome increased pressure from the
requestor. The individual asking for your time will take your
waffling as a sign of indecision. He or she will recognize that

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you can be coaxed toward his or her ends, even if that
means you risk missing your own deadlines.
For this reason, it’s always better to be clear when you
decline requests. Don’t beat around the bush. Don’t
equivocate, hoping that it’ll pacify the requestor (it won’t).
Instead, be candid about your unwillingness to consent to
his or her request.
Being straightforward when turning down requests
doesn’t mean you’re being discourteous. In fact, your
candidness is likely to be appreciated by the requestor,
who’ll know that trying to persuade your accommodation
will be a waste of time. The individual can spend that time
more wisely looking elsewhere for assistance.
It helps to have a reason for saying no. Your reason
validates your inability and/or unwillingness to lend a hand.
For example, consider the following two responses to a
request for help…
1. “I don’t have time to help you.”
2. “I don’t have time to help you because I’m working on a
crucial report that’s due in two hours.”
The first response prompts the requestor to wonder
whether your refusal to help is a personal rejection. That
can lead to a confrontation, which helps neither party.
The second response eliminates rejection as a
possibility. Instead, it justifies your decision as reasoned and
practical. The requestor may dislike your decision, but will
be more likely to accept it at face value.
Be honest about your reason for turning down the
requestor. Resist the temptation to make something up. Not
only will you feel guilty for lying, but the requestor is likely
to notice your lack of sincerity. And that may cause him or
her to become resentful toward you.

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The best approach is to be direct, honest, and
respectful.

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