The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

WE'RE AVERSE TO CONFLICT
M
any folks have difficulty saying no because they struggle
with conflict anxiety. They loathe confrontation, and will do
just about anything to avoid it. For them, saying yes is a
quick and easy way to quash a potential dust-up.
I relate to this tendency. I was raised to abhor conflict.
When the person I was talking to appeared to become
frustrated, angry, or even mildly disappointed, I’d
immediately try to assuage them. When such feelings were
triggered by something I had said, I’d immediately retract
my statements.
Here’s an example of how such conversations
progressed:
Requestor: “Damon, can I ask you a favor?”
Me: “Sure. What do you need?”
Requestor: “Can you take me to the airport this Friday?”
Me: “I’m sorry. I can’t do it this Friday.”
Requestor (getting angry): “Are you serious? You’re not
going to help me?”
Me (with a deer-in-the-headlights stare): “Uhh…”
Requestor (getting angrier): “Don’t ever ask me for
anything in the future!”
Me (desperate to end the conflict): “Okay. Calm down. I’ll
take you to the airport.”

---

Acquiescing to the requestor’s demand was easier than
standing my ground. This was the case because I had such a
strong resistance to conflict. I was willing to give in just to
avoid a confrontation.
Maybe you can relate. Perhaps you tend to say yes to
people so they won’t be angry or frustrated with you. You’ve
learned that being nice stifles any chance of a showdown.
The problem is, capitulating to avoid conflict reinforces
the idea that your feelings are less important than those of
the other person. The reality is, they’re not less important.
You’re just being made to feel that way.
If you’re afraid of conflict, there are small, simple things
you can do to overcome that fear. First, recognize that
harmony isn’t always possible. People have conflicting
opinions, needs, and desires. Friction is inevitable.
Second, remind yourself that conflict isn’t necessarily
bad. It’s merely the expression of contradictory views. How
a person reacts to a conflict (with a calm demeanor or with
anger) is an entirely different matter.
Third, practice saying no in small steps. Start with
situations where confrontations are likely to be nonexistent.
An example is telling a salesperson at a clothing store that
you don’t want to buy an article of clothing.
Gradually introduce situations where saying no is likely
to have a larger reaction. An example is telling a used car
salesman that you don’t want to purchase a vehicle.
By starting with low-risk situations, you’ll build a
tolerance for conflict. Like a muscle, this tolerance will
become stronger with repeated use. You’ll eventually grow
comfortable saying no, even when faced with someone
prone to anger when his or her requests are denied.

---