The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

WE DEVELOP THE PEOPLE-
PLEASING HABIT
S
aying yes is an ingrained habit for many of us. It’s
something we learn to do over a long period of time. The
longer we do it, the more entrenched the habit becomes
until it’s instinctive. We do it on autopilot, agreeing to things
before we even realize we’re doing so.
In a sense, we’ve wired our brains to respond in that
way whenever people ask things of us.
Think about the last time you agreed to do something
you weren’t even remotely interested in. Did you find
yourself saying yes before you had even considered how
doing so might impact you?
That’s a learned behavior.
It can stem from a number of factors. For example, you
might have learned as a child that saying yes resulted in
approval from your parents or other authority figures. Or
you may have found that saying yes made others happy,
and that, in turn, gave you a sense of self-worth. Or you
might have discovered that saying yes to your peers made
them more inclined to include you.
Such “lessons” have a powerful effect on us. They train
us to accommodate others as doing so affords us short-term
benefits (approval, sense of self-worth, and social inclusion).
The more “lessons” we observe, the greater our desire to
repeat the outcome.

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We become addicts looking for our next “fix.”
The good news is that, like any habit, the tendency to
instinctively say yes can be unlearned. It can be undone. We
can rewire our brains so we’re more contemplative about
the requests being made of us.
The key, as always, is to take small steps.
For example, in the beginning, just focus on not saying
yes immediately. Give yourself a few moments to consider
requests and how they’ll impact your day. Interrupting your
instinctive response will help to short circuit the habit.
Next, examine the reasons you’re inclined to say yes.
Are those reasons valid? For example, do you desire the
requestor’s approval? Do you need that person to validate
your sense of worth? Is it important to you that you’re
included in his or her circle of friends? You may find that this
learned behavior (i.e. automatically saying yes) is prompted
by motivations that are trivial to you.
It’s not easy to reverse a habit you’ve developed over
years of repeated application. But it can be done. The first -
and arguably most important - step is to recognize the habit
exists.

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