The Art Of Saying no: How To Stand Your Ground, Reclaim Your Time And Energy, And Refuse To Be Taken For Granted

YOUR TIME AND INTERESTS ARE
VALUABLE
P
eople pleasers often prioritize others’ needs ahead of
their own because they feel their time, interests, opinions,
and goals are worth less. I know this from experience. It’s
how I used to think.
This is a self-image problem.
A person who struggles with a low self-image assumes
other people are more important than he or she.
Consequently, this individual lacks the confidence to act in
self-interest. And that makes it difficult for him or her to say
no.
It’s critical that you recognize your own value. This isn’t
just a matter of building self-esteem. Recognizing your value
puts you on an equal footing with everyone around you. To
that end, it forces you to acknowledge that your time,
interests, opinions, and goals are worth just as much as
other people’s.
Once you accept this circumstance as truth, you’ll find it
becomes easier to turn down requests without feeling pangs
of guilt. And importantly, you’ll be able to do so without
wondering whether your decisions earn the requestors’
approval.
When you possess a strong sense of self-worth, you
naturally feel more confident. And that can give you the

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courage to stand your ground when you face emotional
manipulation or intimidation.

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SAYING NO DOESN'T MAKE YOU
A BAD PERSON
H
ave you ever wondered why you feel guilty after saying
no to someone? It’s not because you’re a bad person. It’s
not because you’ve done something wrong or transgressed
against the requestor.
It’s a learned response, one that’s ingrained in our
minds through a lifetime of indoctrination.
Think back to when you were a child. Do you remember
how easy it was to say no? You weren’t worried about
others’ feelings. Nor did you concern yourself with matters
of etiquette. If you didn’t want to do something, you said so.
And you didn’t beat around the bush or scramble to come
up with excuses. You responded with a simple, unequivocal
“no.”
Fast forward a few years. You’re in grade school, and
have discovered that people in authority (your teacher, your
parents, etc.) dislike hearing you say no. And you begin
hearing feedback to that effect.
The indoctrination has begun in earnest.
Fast forward again, this time to high school. You’ve
received so much negative feedback over the years as the
result of saying no that you now hesitate before doing so.
You second guess your decisions to turn down requests
because you fear offending or angering people. And more

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often than not, you end up saying yes just to avoid that
outcome.
Let’s jump forward several more years. You’re now
focused on your career. By this point, you’ve endured a
lifetime of feedback admonishing you for selfishness,
stinginess, and an unwillingness to help. You’ve been told
repeatedly that turning down requests for help is rude and
disrespectful. This longstanding feedback has trained you to
think that every “no” is worthy of suspicion.
It’s no wonder so many of us enter adulthood with the
belief that saying no to others makes us bad people!
In reality, depending on your circumstances, saying no
may be more appropriate than saying yes. For example,
suppose you’ve made plans to have lunch with a friend. A
coworker stops by your office and asks you to help her with
a project. The problem is, helping her would require you to
cancel - or at least postpone - your lunch date.
In this scenario, turning down your coworker doesn’t
make you a bad person. In fact, doing so is appropriate as it
allows you to fulfill an earlier commitment.
Will people occasionally be disappointed, or even
angered, by your refusal to help them? Of course. But
remember, you can’t control others’ reactions. All you can
be reasonably expected to do is say no with poise and
sincerity.
Remember, it’s not your job to appease the requestor.
Moreover, refusing to put his or her priorities ahead of your
own doesn’t make you a disagreeable person. It makes you
conscious of competing interests and obligations, and
encourages you to manage them sensibly given your limited
availability.

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