Scatter Brained

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funeral, but also the fl oral  arrangement.  Many  remain  un-
convinced by Solecki’s fi ndings, however—and barring the 
excavation of a receipt from the Grogg & Grogg Bereavement 
Hut, the mystery of Shanidar will never be solved.
✖  ✖  ✖
INDIA:
 Th
  ink traditional funeral services are for the birds? 
Th
  en do your best to die somewhere in the vicinity of one of 
the Towers of Silence, where one of the neighborhood’s Zoro-
astrians might give you a chance to have the exciting air 
burial you’ve always dreamed of. Per their religion, Zoroas-
trians leave their dead atop a local tower, where vultures 
handle the nasty business of disposing of the spiritually im-
pure fl esh.  From  there,  it’s  as  simple  as  throwing  the  bare 
bones down into the tower’s pit, where they can rest for all 
eternity (in a pile with all the others). And while the Zoroas-
trians do off er several convenient locations thoughout the 
deserts of Bombay and Iran for disposing of remains, you 
should probably act fast. Remember, the recently declining 
populations of vultures make this a limited-time-only off er, 
so don’t delay.
✖  ✖  ✖
GHANA:
  If  you  want  an  ornate  but  relatively  inexpensive 
coffi
  n, you’ll be well advised to avoid the American funeral 
home racket altogether and die, as no less an American than 
W.E.B. Du Bois did, in Ghana. Th
  ere, the dead are often bur-
ied in elaborate “fantasy coffi
  ns” that come carved in every-
thing from airplane to fi sh styles.
✖  ✖  ✖
SWEDEN:
 Th
  e latest technology in funeral services is that of 
Swedish marine biologist Susanne Wiigh-Masak, who in 1999 
patented the “ecological funeral,” a meticulous cryotechno-
logical process that does all the work of decomposition so 

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S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
that you won’t have to. Th
  e process begins with the reduction 
of the corpse to a fi ne powder that makes your dead self 
healthier for the environment. Next, scientists extract the 
leftover metals and send them off  to be recycled—meaning 
that in your next life part of you may just be a Volkswagen 
Beetle. Finally, the remains are ready to be sent back into 
Earth—and you can be sure that Earth will be glad to have 
you, thanks to your biodegradable casket.
✖  ✖  ✖
ROMAN EMPIRE:
 When an ancient Roman was dying, the 
oldest surviving male of the family leaned in close to the dy-
ing person and attempted to inhale the dying breath (that’s 
just . . . not  sanitary).  Th
  ey did try and put the fun back in 
funeral, though. Th
  e rites lasted several days and often fea-
tured hired mourners and professional dancers. And while 
most people know that the Romans liked a party, not many 
are aware of how much they liked fi re. Almost all Romans 
were cremated, and their ashes placed in a 
columbarium
—
which is just one of many Latin words worth knowing. . . .
08
Latin You Should Know
Why do you need these Latin phrases? Well, like Latin teach-
ers always say, Latin lives on in plenty of English words and 
phrases. But mostly, it’s worth learning a bit of Latin because 
omnia dicta fortiori, si dicta Latina.
*
Ad hoc:
 Literally meaning “for this,” it’s generally used to 
mean improvised.
*  “Everything sounds more impressive when said in Latin.”

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