C H A P T E R 1
funeral, but also the fl oral arrangement. Many remain un-
convinced by Solecki’s fi ndings, however—and barring the
excavation of a receipt from the Grogg & Grogg Bereavement
Hut, the mystery of Shanidar will never be solved.
✖ ✖ ✖
INDIA:
Th
ink traditional funeral services are for the birds?
Th
en do your best to die somewhere in the vicinity of one of
the Towers of Silence, where one of the neighborhood’s Zoro-
astrians might give you a chance to have the exciting air
burial you’ve always dreamed of. Per their religion, Zoroas-
trians leave their dead atop a local tower, where vultures
handle the nasty business of disposing of the spiritually im-
pure fl esh. From there, it’s as simple as throwing the bare
bones down into the tower’s pit, where they can rest for all
eternity (in a pile with all the others). And while the Zoroas-
trians do off er several convenient locations thoughout the
deserts of Bombay and Iran for disposing of remains, you
should probably act fast. Remember, the recently declining
populations of vultures make this a limited-time-only off er,
so don’t delay.
✖ ✖ ✖
GHANA:
If you want an ornate but relatively inexpensive
coffi
n, you’ll be well advised to avoid the American funeral
home racket altogether and die, as no less an American than
W.E.B. Du Bois did, in Ghana. Th
ere, the dead are often bur-
ied in elaborate “fantasy coffi
ns” that come carved in every-
thing from airplane to fi sh styles.
✖ ✖ ✖
SWEDEN:
Th
e latest technology in funeral services is that of
Swedish marine biologist Susanne Wiigh-Masak, who in 1999
patented the “ecological funeral,” a meticulous cryotechno-
logical process that does all the work of decomposition so
18
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
that you won’t have to. Th
e process begins with the reduction
of the corpse to a fi ne powder that makes your dead self
healthier for the environment. Next, scientists extract the
leftover metals and send them off to be recycled—meaning
that in your next life part of you may just be a Volkswagen
Beetle. Finally, the remains are ready to be sent back into
Earth—and you can be sure that Earth will be glad to have
you, thanks to your biodegradable casket.
✖ ✖ ✖
ROMAN EMPIRE:
When an ancient Roman was dying, the
oldest surviving male of the family leaned in close to the dy-
ing person and attempted to inhale the dying breath (that’s
just . . . not sanitary). Th
ey did try and put the fun back in
funeral, though. Th
e rites lasted several days and often fea-
tured hired mourners and professional dancers. And while
most people know that the Romans liked a party, not many
are aware of how much they liked fi re. Almost all Romans
were cremated, and their ashes placed in a
columbarium
—
which is just one of many Latin words worth knowing. . . .
08
Latin You Should Know
Why do you need these Latin phrases? Well, like Latin teach-
ers always say, Latin lives on in plenty of English words and
phrases. But mostly, it’s worth learning a bit of Latin because
omnia dicta fortiori, si dicta Latina.
*
Ad hoc:
Literally meaning “for this,” it’s generally used to
mean improvised.
* “Everything sounds more impressive when said in Latin.”
19
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