Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   7

---

188
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
✖  ✖  ✖
Former self-described “scrawny 
weakling” Charles Atlas be-
came the most perfect physical 
specimen of manhood in the 
mid-20th century—or at least 
that’s what the comic book ad-
vertisements said. Angelo Si-
ciliano emigrated to New York 
from Italy as a child, and after 
getting pounded by Brooklyn 
bullies for a few years, he came 
up with the idea of muscle-
against-muscle fi tness  train-
ing, now known as isometric 
exercise. He soon grew to be a 
huge hulking mass of mandom, 
got a job as a strongman in a 
Coney Island freak show, and 
changed his name to Charles 
Atlas. Atlas started his mail-
order fi tness business in 1928, 
 
and it’s still around today (al-
 
though admittedly, it’s not the 
commercial juggernaut it once 
was). Atlas himself, however, is 
not. He died at 79, shortly after 
his daily jog—which just  con-
fi rms what 97-pound weak-
lings like us have always 
thought of jogging.
Epilepsy:
 Ingest the afterbirth 
of a fi rstborn child. Or, if 
that doesn’t suit your fancy, 
ingest blood—your family’s 
blood is said to be particu-
larly effective.
Measles:
 Drink sheep manure 
tea.
Tuberculosis:
 Drink cow ma-
nure tea (or ingest tree sap 
or eat molasses mixed with