Mindset : The New Psychology of Success pdfdrive com

partner sees things the way you do.
Raymond  Knee  and  his  colleagues  had  couples  come  in  and  discuss  their
views  of  their  relationship.  Those  with  the  fixed  mindset  felt  threatened  and
hostile  after  talking  about  even  minor  discrepancies  in  how  they  and  their
partner saw their relationship. Even a minor discrepancy threatened their belief
that they shared all of each other’s views.
It’s  impossible  for  a  couple  to  share  all  of  each  other’s  assumptions  and
expectations. One may assume the wife will stop working and be supported; the
other, that she will be an equal breadwinner. One may assume they will have a
house in the suburbs, the other that they will have a bohemian love nest.
Michael  and  Robin  had  just  finished  college  and  were  about  to  get  married.
He was the bohemian-love-nest type. He imagined that after they were married,
they’d enjoy the young, hip Greenwich Village life together. So when he found
the  ideal  apartment,  he  thought  she’d  be  delighted.  When  she  saw  it,  she  went
berserk.  She’d  been  living  in  crummy  little  apartments  all  her  life,  and  here  it
was  all  over  again.  Married  people  were  supposed  to  live  in  nice  houses  with
new  cars  parked  outside.  They  both  felt  betrayed,  and  it  didn’t  get  any  better
from there.
Couples  may  erroneously  believe  they  agree  on  each  person’s  rights  and
duties. Fill in the blank:
“As  a  husband,  I  have  a  right  to
,  and  my  wife  has  the  duty  to
.”
“As  a  wife,  I  have  a  right  to
,  and  my  husband  has  the  duty  to
.”
Few things can make partners more furious than having their rights violated.

---

And  few  things  can  make  a  partner  more  furious  than  having  the  other  feel
entitled to something you don’t think is coming to them.
John  Gottman  reports:  “I’ve  interviewed  newlywed  men  who  told  me  with
pride,  ‘I’m  not  going  to  wash  the  dishes,  no  way.  That’s  a  woman’s  job.’  Two
years  later  the  same  guys  ask  me,  ‘Why  don’t  my  wife  and  I  have  sex
anymore?’
 ”
Now,  a  couple  may  agree  on  traditional  roles.  That’s  up  to  them.  But  that’s
different from assuming it as an entitlement.
When Janet (a financial analyst) and Phil (a real estate agent) met, he had just
gotten  a  new  apartment  and  was  thinking  he’d  like  to  have  a  housewarming