Mindset : The New Psychology of Success pdfdrive com

Shyness  harmed  the  social  interactions  of  people  with  the  fixed  mindset  but
did  not  harm  the  social  relations  of  people  with  the  growth  mindset.  The
observers’  ratings  showed  that,  although  both  fixed-and  growth-minded  shy
people looked very nervous for the first five minutes of the interaction, after that
the  shy  growth-minded  people  showed  greater  social  skills,  were  more  likable,
and  created  a  more  enjoyable  interaction.  In  fact,  they  began  to  look  just  like
non-shy people.
This happened for good reasons. For one thing, the shy growth-minded people
looked  on  social  situations  as  challenges.  Even  though  they  felt  anxious,  they
actively  welcomed  the  chance  to  meet  someone  new.  The  shy  fixed  people,
instead,  wanted  to  avoid  meeting  someone  who  might  be  more  socially  skilled
than  they  were.  They  said  they  were  more  worried  about  making  mistakes.  So
the  fixed-and  growth-mindset  people  confronted  the  situation  with  different
attitudes. One embraced the challenge and the other feared the risk.
Armed with these different attitudes, the shy growth-mindset people felt less
shy  and  nervous  as  the  interaction  wore  on,  but  the  shy  fixed-mindset  people
continued to be nervous and continued to do more socially awkward things, like
avoiding eye contact or trying to avoid talking.
You  can  see  how  these  different  patterns  would  affect  making  friends.  The
shy growth-mindset people take control of their shyness. They go out and meet
new  people,  and,  after  their  nerves  settle  down,  their  relationships  proceed
normally. The shyness doesn’t tyrannize them.
But for fixed-mindset people, the shyness takes control. It keeps them out of
social situations with new people, and when they’re in them, they can’t let down
their guard and let go of their fears.
Scott Wetzler, a therapist and professor of psychiatry, paints a portrait of his
client George, a picture of the shy fixed-mindset person. George was incredibly
shy, especially with women. He was so eager to look cool, witty, and confident
—and  so  worried  that  he’d  look  overeager  and  inept—that  he  froze  and  acted
cold. When his attractive co-worker Jean started flirting with him, he became so
flustered  that  he  began  avoiding  her.  Then  one  day  she  approached  him  in  a
nearby  coffee  shop  and  cutely  suggested  he  ask  her  to  join  him.  When  he
couldn’t think of a clever response to impress her, he replied, “ It doesn’t matter
to me if you sit down or not.”
George, what were you doing? He was trying to protect himself from rejection
—by trying not to seem too interested. And he was trying to end this awkward

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situation.  In  a  strange  way,  he  succeeded.  He  certainly  didn’t  seem  too
interested, and the interaction soon ended, as Jean got out of there real fast. He
was just like the people in Jennifer Beer’s study, controlled by his fear of social
judgment and prevented from making contact.
Wetzler  slowly  helped  George  get  over  his  exclusive  focus  on  being  judged.
Jean, he came to see, was not out to judge and humiliate him, but was trying to
get  to  know  him.  With  the  focus  switched  from  being  judged  to  developing  a
relationship, George was eventually able to reciprocate. Despite his anxiety, he
approached Jean, apologized for his rude behavior, and asked her to lunch. She
accepted. What’s more, she was not nearly as critical as he feared.
BULLIES AND VICTIMS: REVENGE REVISITED
We’re  back  to  rejection,  because  it’s  not  just  in  love  relationships  that  people
experience terrible rejections. It happens every day in schools. Starting in grade
school, some kids are victimized. They are ridiculed, tormented, and beaten up,
not  for  anything  they’ve  done  wrong.  It  could  be  for  their  more  timid
personality,  how  they  look,  what  their  background  is,  or  how  smart  they  are
(sometimes they’re not smart enough; sometimes they’re too smart). It can be a
daily  occurrence  that  makes  life  a  nightmare  and  ushers  in  years  of  depression
and rage.
To make matters worse, schools often do nothing about it. This is because it’s
often done out of sight of teachers or because it’s done by the school’s favorite
students,  such  as  the  jocks.  In  this  case,  it  may  be  the  victims,  not  the  bullies,
who are considered to be the problem kids or the misfits.
As a society, we’ve paid little attention until recently. Then came the school
shootings.  At  Columbine,  the  most  notorious  one,  both  boys  had  been
mercilessly  bullied  for  years.  A  fellow  bullying  victim  describes  what  they
endured in their high school.
In  the  hallways,  the  jocks  would  push  kids  into  lockers  and  call  them
demeaning names while everyone laughed at the show. At lunch the jocks would
knock their victims’ food trays onto the floor, trip them, or pelt them with food.
While the victims were eating, they would be pushed down onto the table from
behind.  Then  in  the  locker  rooms  before  gym  class,  the  bullies  would  beat  the
kids up because the teachers weren’t around.

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