Mindset : The New Psychology of Success pdfdrive com

1. If You Have to Work at It, It Wasn’t Meant to Be
One  problem  is  that  people  with  the  fixed  mindset  expect  everything  good  to
happen automatically. It’s not that the partners will work to help each other solve
their  problems  or  gain  skills.  It’s  that  this  will  magically  occur  through  their
love, sort of the way it happened to Sleeping Beauty, whose coma was cured by
her  prince’s  kiss,  or  to  Cinderella,  whose  miserable  life  was  suddenly
transformed by her prince.
Charlene’s  friends  told  her  about  Max,  the  new  musician  in  town.  He  had
come  to  play  cello  with  the  symphony  orchestra.  The  next  night,  Charlene  and
her  friends  went  to  see  the  orchestra’s  performance,  and  when  they  went
backstage afterward, Max took Charlene’s hand and said, “Next time, let’s make
it longer.” She was taken with his intense, romantic air, and he was taken with
her  charming  manner  and  exotic  looks.  As  they  went  out,  the  intensity  grew.
They seemed to understand each other deeply. They enjoyed the same things—
food, analyzing people, travel. They both thought, Where have you been all my
life?
Over  time,  though,  Max  became  moody.  Actually,  that’s  how  he  was.  It  just
didn’t  show  at  first.  When  he  was  in  a  bad  mood,  he  wanted  to  be  left  alone.
Charlene  wanted  to  talk  about  what  was  bothering  him,  but  that  irritated  him.
“Just  leave  me  alone,”  he  would  insist,  more  and  more  forcefully.  Charlene,
however, would feel shut out.
Plus,  his  moods  didn’t  always  happen  at  convenient  times.  Sometimes  the
couple  was  scheduled  to  go  out.  Sometimes  they  had  planned  a  special  dinner
alone.  Either  he  didn’t  want  to  do  it,  or  she  would  endure  his  sullen  silence
throughout  the  evening.  If  she  tried  to  make  light  conversation,  he  would  be
disappointed in her: “I thought you understood me.”
Friends, seeing how much they cared about each other, urged them to work on
this problem. But they both felt, with great sorrow, that if the relationship were
the  right  one,  they  wouldn’t  have  to  work  so  hard.  If  it  were  the  right
relationship, they would just be able to understand and honor each other’s needs.

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So they grew apart and eventually broke up.
In the growth mindset, there may still be that exciting initial combustion, but
people  in  this  mindset  don’t  expect  magic.  They  believe  that  a  good,  lasting
relationship comes from effort and from working through inevitable differences.
But those with the fixed mindset don’t buy that. Remember the fixed-mindset
idea that if you have ability, you shouldn’t have to work hard? This is the same
belief applied to relationships: If you’re compatible, everything should just come
naturally.
Every single relationship expert disagrees with this.
Aaron Beck, the renowned psychiatrist, says that one of the most destructive
beliefs for a relationship is “If we need to work at it, there’s something seriously
wrong with our relationship.”
Says  John  Gottman,  a  foremost  relationship  researcher:  “Every  marriage
demands  an  effort  to  keep  it  on  the  right  track;  there  is  a  constant  tension…
between the forces that hold you together and those that can tear you apart.”
As with personal achievement, this belief—that success should not need effort
—robs people of the very thing they need to make their relationship thrive. It’s
probably why so many relationships go stale—because people believe that being
in love means never having to do anything taxing.
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