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The Jujube Installment Plan
As you’re making a concerted effort to keep the relationship out of
the bedroom, remember his objective will be different than yours.
You want your feet on the floor; he wants them in the air.
It’s not necessarily helpful that you absolutely dig the guy and that
you
are just as turned on
as he is. Giving him a mixed message will
be easy, because he’s ever so sexy and he’s trying to seduce you.
And he’ll be on the lookout for any signal whatsoever that you’ve
given him a green light. So it’s important to keep the signals very
clear:
Red means no.
Green means go.
Yellow means you’re a tease, which will piss him off.
For example, perhaps your top comes off, or there’s a little bit of
grinding action while you’re kissing on the couch. A few minutes
later, he’ll think you’re ready to roll. This is not the time to say,
“No, I’m just not ready.” Telling him this is like taking candy away
from a child after you’ve already let him taste it.
You can’t titillate him to the point of no return and then say, “No,
I just don’t feel right about it.” He’ll be thinking, “How do you not
feel right about it when you’re topless, you’ve been grinding me for
an hour, and your pants are unbuttoned?”
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #27
If you pull the sexual plug at the last
minute, he’ll label you a tease.
This is where we get the term
hot and bothered.
After he’s no
longer hot, he will be pissed off and “bothered.” He’ll have far less
desire to engage in the game because you’ve taken all the fun out of
it. He no longer thinks you are playing fair, and his feelings will
change from lust to
resentment.
If he feels he’s being teased, he
may stop pursuing you altogether.
Think about it. You can’t show a dog a T-bone steak for an hour
and then throw him a celery stick. If you want a man to respect you,
you have to play fair.
The following guidelines will allow you to delay the time before
you have sex without being perceived as a tease:
In the beginning, try not to be alone at his place or at
yours, especially very late at night.
Do things socially that require that you to meet
somewhere in public. Or have him pick you up and
then have somewhere to go.
Do fun things during the daylight hours. If you go
biking, it will seem like a red light. But if you’re both
wrapped up in a blanket in front of a fireplace with a
bottle of wine at midnight, he’ll assume you’ve given
him a green light.
Give kisses that are sexy and sensual. But do it while
you’re
out,
where it is unlikely to last too long. Don’t
get him worked up when you’re alone together, while
rolling around on the floor, a bed, or the couch.
The first few times you go out, he may want to come
in late at night, after your date. If you think he’s going
to make a move but you aren’t quite ready, abort the
mission at the door. If you live in an apartment
building, say good night in the lobby. “Thanks so
much, I’ve had a great time.”
Smile a lot, laugh at his jokes, and be good company.
You want him to think of you as a friend
as well as
a
lover. It’s a great sign if he babbles on about himself,
especially if he’s a little nervous. If he likes you, he’ll
want to open up.
Flirt in moderation. Be careful of sexual joking
because it’s never really a joke. A lot of times men
will use humor to see where the parameters lie. Don’t
be a prude—you can laugh at the jokes and be
playful. But don’t stay on the subject of sex for a long
time, or he’ll view it as a green light.
Compliment him. Let him know he’s desirable to you.
For example, lean close and smell his cologne when
he gives you a hug. Or tell him he looks gorgeous.
This subtly confirms you choose to wait for reasons
that have nothing to do with
his
desirability.
Show that you are affectionate and loving. Hold hands
or put your head on his shoulder so he feels manly.
Rub his leg lightly while you are at the movies. But
don’t tease him; this means stay close to the
knee.
Don’t graze private areas or he’ll see a green light.
Try not to get into heavy petting in the car when he
drops you off, or he’ll want to get busy. Even the guy
with the new BMW who makes you wipe your feet
before sitting on his leather seats won’t hesitate to
get some “play” in his car. That’s why he bought it in
the first place.
If it’s late at night, don’t say, “Okay, come in . . . just
for a minute.” Don’t ask him to come in to meet your
cat, Cushy. Don’t offer coffee. Don’t offer tea. Don’t
show him your remodeled place. There’s no such
thing as “just for a minute” after midnight.
Don’t let on you are pacing it, even though you are.
Don’t ever tell him he’ll be waiting at least a month.
Don’t indicate whether he’s “getting warm” and try not
to give him a threeday weather forecast for predicting
that you’ll soon be ready.
Just don’t create the
opportunity for something to happen if you aren’t
ready to allow it to happen.
Don’t believe him when he says, “We’ll just cuddle.”
Even if you’ve known him for a long time and he’s a
perfect gentleman with extraordinary restraint, the
objective is not to tease him.
Be affectionate
in public.
It’s generally pretty safe,
because it can’t go any further.
A textbook example of a sexual mixed message happened with
my friend Pam. Last winter, she invited a guy to come into her home
after a date because it was really cold in his car. She made hot
chocolate and put on comfortable baggy flannel pajamas. They
started to kiss. She assumed the flannel pajamas were so
conservative that he wouldn’t perceive it as an invitation to have
sex. She was surprised to discover that he had much more than hot
chocolate on his mind.
Bedroom clothes are
b-e-d-r-o-o-m clothes
to a man. Wearing
something cozy that you sleep in (even ugly boxers or flannel
sleepers) will be perceived as a green light.
Even though he’ll subtly pressure you, if he really likes you, a part
of him deep down will want you to make him wait. He wants to
believe you are “different.” He wants you to think he is neat, cool,
and handsome. He wants you to laugh at his jokes and think he is
funny. He wants a goddess. He wants . . . Wonder Woman.
So how do you give him this impression? Simple. Let him pursue
you and don’t give yourself over too easily. Throw on a pair of go-
go boots and suddenly you become the Wonder Woman of his
dreams.
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