The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: FORGIVENESS WHEN YOU
FAIL
Everybody makes mistakes and experiences setbacks. How we handle these setbacks matters
more than the fact that they happened. Below is an exercise that psychologists use to help people
find a more self-compassionate response to failure. Research shows that taking this point of
view reduces guilt but increases personal accountability—the perfect combination to get you
back on track with your willpower challenge. Bring to mind a specific time when you gave in to
temptation or procrastination, and experiment with taking the following three points of view on
that failure. When you experience a setback, you can bring these perspectives to mind to help
you avoid a downward spiral of guilt, shame, and giving in again.
1. 
What are you feeling?
As you think about this failure, take a moment to notice and
describe how you are feeling. What emotions are present? What are you are feeling in
your body? Can you remember how you felt immediately after the failure? How would
you describe that? Notice if self-criticism comes up, and if it does, what you say to
yourself. The perspective of mindfulness allows you to see what you are feeling without
rushing to escape.
2. 
You’re only human.
Everyone struggles with willpower challenges and everyone
sometimes loses control. This is just a part of the human condition, and your setback
does not mean there is something wrong with you. Consider the truth of these statements.
Can you think of other people you respect and care about who have experienced similar
struggles and setbacks? This perspective can soften the usual voice of self-criticism and
self-doubt.
3. 
What would you say to a friend?
Consider how you would comfort a close friend who
experienced the same setback. What words of support would you offer? How would you
encourage them to continue pursuing their goal? This perspective will point the way to
getting back on track.

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