The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

BEING KICKED OUT OF THE TRIBE
Willpower “failures” like addiction, obesity, and bankruptcy often come with a stigma in our society.
We may wrongly assume that a person is weak, lazy, stupid, or selfish, and convince ourselves that
they deserve to be shamed or excluded from the tribe. But we should be especially wary of shunning
people who do not control their behavior in the way we would like. Besides being a pretty cruel way
to treat people, it is a lousy strategy for motivating change. As Deb Lemire, president of the
Association for Size Diversity and Health, says, “If shame worked, there’d be no fat people.”
Research shows that being kicked out of the tribe drains willpower. For example, after people are
socially rejected,
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they are less likely to resist the temptation of freshly baked cookies, and they give
up sooner on a challenging assignment. They also become more easily distracted during a
concentration task. Studies show that the more racial minorities are exposed to prejudice, the less
self-control they have—and just reminding minorities of discrimination depletes their willpower.
Anytime we feel excluded or disrespected, we are at greater risk for giving in to our worst impulses.
Rather than shame people for their willpower failures, we would do far better by offering social
support for willpower successes. One good example is a weight-loss intervention at the University of
Pittsburgh that requires people to enroll with a friend or family member. The participants are given
“support homework,” such as sharing a healthy meal during the week and calling each other to check
in and encourage each other. An impressive 66 percent of participants in this program had maintained
their weight loss at a ten-month follow-up, compared with only 24 percent of participants in a control
group who did not join with friends or family.
WILLPOWER EXPERIMENT: MAKE IT A GROUP
PROJECT
You don’t have to conquer your willpower challenge alone. Is there a friend, family member, or
coworker who could join you in your willpower goals? You don’t have to have the same goals;
just checking in and encouraging each other can provide a boost of social support to your self-
control. If you like your social support with a touch of competition, enlist others in a willpower
face-off. Who will be the first to finish a procrastinated task, or the person to save the most
money in one month?

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