The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

UNDER THE MICROSCOPE: THE STRESS OF DESIRE
Most of us pay far more attention to the 
promise
of feeling good than the 
actual
feeling bad that
accompanies dopamine-drive desire. This week, see if you can notice when wanting triggers
stress and anxiety. If you give in to temptation, do you feel like you are responding to the
promise of reward? Or are you trying to relieve the anxiety?

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A SHOPPER FEELS THE ANXIETY, BUT KEEPS THE PROMISE
Whenever Yvonne wanted to feel good, she hit the mall. She was sure that shopping made her happy,
because whenever she was bored or upset, it’s what she wanted to do. She had never really noticed
the complex feelings that went along with shopping, but took the assignment of paying closer attention.
She discovered that she was most happy on the way to the mall. Driving there, she felt hopeful and
excited. Once she arrived, as long as she was window-shopping from the center of the mall, she felt
good. But when she was in a store, the feelings shifted. She felt tense, especially if the store was
crowded. She felt an urge to get all the way through the store, and a sense of time pressure. When she
waited in line to buy something, she noticed that she felt impatient and anxious. If the customer in
front of her had too many things or was making a return, she found herself getting angry. Getting to the
register and handing over her credit card felt like a relief, not like the happiness she had felt before
the purchase. Yvonne realized that the hope and excitement she felt while driving to the mall was the
carrot to 
get
her there; the anxiety and anger was the stick keeping her in line. She never felt as good
going home as she did driving over.
For many people, this kind of realization leads to turning away from the unsatisfying reward. The
potato chip junkie eyes the bag of chips with newfound suspicion, and the late-night TV addict turns
the tube off. But Yvonne settled on a different strategy: window-shopping for maximum happiness.
The feeling of being in the mall produced the feeling that she liked best; spending was stressful.
Surprisingly, when she went with the mind-set of not buying, and left her credit cards at home so she
couldn’t overspend, she went home happier than if she had spent a lot of money.
When you really understand how a so-called reward makes you feel, you will be best able to
make smart decisions about whether and how to “reward” yourself.

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