Scatter Brained

THIS LAND WAS YOUR LAND, THIS LAND IS 
 NATIONAL PARK LAND
Ole Teddy Roosevelt is often viewed as the grandfather of the 
American conservation movement. In his two terms, he set 
Puking for America 
(A.K.A. ONE “RALPH” 
YOU’D NEVER 
VOTE FOR!)
Forget capping smokestacks 
and dumping dead fi sh in cor-
porate offi ces (credit Chicago’s 
own environmental crusader 
Jim “the Fox” Phillips for those 
innovations). The award for 
most creative act of civil dis-
obedience goes to Earth First! 
who invented the “puke-in.” All 
you need is some green cot-
tage cheese, a little ipecac, 
and a roomful of unsuspecting 
strangers. Earth First!’s (we’re 
worried they’ll stage a puke-in 
if we leave out their exclama-
tion point) favorite targets have 
been shopping malls at peak 
Christmas season, where they 
“puke” to protest any- and ev-
erything  from  old-growth  log-
ging to genetically modifi ed 
foods.

---

61
aside more federal land for national parks and nature pre-
serves than all his predecessors combined—more than 230 
million acres altogether. But before you pronounce him Saint 
Teddy the Preserver, check the stats of his 1909 African sa-
fari: His hunting party bagged more than 5,000 animals, 
among them some of the last remaining white rhino. Had 
T.R. actually been interested in becoming a saint, however, 
he surely would’ve benefi ted from . . .
02
  How to Become a Catholic Saint:
A Step-By-Step Guide
Th
  e process of canonization was developed in the 10th cen-
tury by Pope John XV after the Vatican decided that deter-
mining sainthood by public opinion, which had been the 
practice up until that time, left too much room for error. Back 
then, you just needed to be immensely popular. Now, it’s a 
little more complicated:
1. 
You need to die. (Sorry, no exceptions.) Generally, the 
process of canonization cannot begin until fi ve years 
after death—although after Mother Teresa died, 
groups advocating her canonization convinced the 
Vatican to relax the rule. Still, talk about hurry up and 
wait: Th
  e process itself typically takes between 10 and 
100 years.
2. 
A local bishop will investigate your virtues. If and when 
suffi
  cient virtue is uncovered, the bishop will name you 
a Servant of God and send his information on to the 
Vatican for further review.