Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   3

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S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
3. 
A gaggle of theologians and cardinals called the Congre-
gation for the Causes of Saints, under the guidance of a 
postulator—fi nally, a use for that B.A. in philosophy—
evaluate your life, and if they like what they see, they 
pass the buck yet again, this time to the pope.
4. 
Th
  e pope will then proclaim you venerable, meaning that 
you are now offi
  cially a role model of Catholic virtue. 
One nifty perk: Venerable-ness entitles you to have Cath-
olic prayer cards printed in your likeness, which encour-
age the faithful to pray for a posthumous miracle to be 
wrought by your intercession. (Incidentally, we’re willing 
to trade you a Mother Teresa rookie card for a Saint 
Christopher MVP.)
5. 
Th
  e  next  step  is  beatifi cation, and the solution to this 
one is multiple choice. To become beatifi ed, the venera-
ble must either:
a. 
have been martyred. Generally, martyrdom is 
your A-1 ticket to sainthood (10,000 martyrs 
were once beatifi ed in a single ceremony), but the 
thing about martyrdom is that it generally hurts 
(see, for instance, Saint Apollonia, who had her 
teeth pulled one by one by the Romans).
b. 
have been responsible for at least one miracle 
during your lifetime. Mother Teresa, for in-
stance, was beatifi ed when the Congregation for 
the Cause of Saints verifi ed that a woman in In-
dia had her cancer cured by pressing a picture of 
Teresa against herself.
6. 
Once beatifi ed, you’ll earn the title “blessed,” and then 
you must be credited with at least one posthumous 

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63
 miracle before you can be canonized and become an of-
fi cial Catholic saint.
7. 
Wait, there’s more? Don’t forget about specializing! As a 
“patron saint,” of course. If you’ve been canonized and 
have  some  special  proclivity  or  talent  on  your  résumé, 
you could be named a special protector or guardian of a