Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   6

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from
THE HUNDRED YEARS’ WAR
WOMEN WHO RULED
(WOLVES IN) SHEEP SUITS
GREAT SECOND CAREERS
ASSASSI-NATION: PRESIDENTIAL ASSASSINATIONS
DRINKING AROUND THE WORLD
to
THE SEVEN-YEAR ITCH
KING ME: TALES OF EUROPEAN ROYALTY
THE CRUSADES
to
8-MINUTE ABS

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167
01
  The Hundred Years’ War: 
A Year-by-Year Account, Minus the Years We Didn’t 
Have Room For
1337:
 Th
  e English, based on legal technicalities and a large 
occupying force, were of the opinion that they owned a vast 
and profi table region in southwest France called Gascony. 
France, however, thought it owned Gascony, based on the 
fact  that  it  was  full  of  French  people.  Th
 e English royals 
pointed out that they were more or less French themselves, 
being descended from Wil-
liam the Conqueror of Nor-
mandy, and that, after closer 
inspection, they should own 
not just a part of France, but 
the whole darn thing. And 
thus was it on.
1340:
 Th
  e Brits came out swinging, wiping out virtually the 
entire French navy at the Battle of Sluys in one day. If France 
had planned on invading England, they’d either have to swim 
there or wait for someone to invent a Chunnel.
1346:
 Once again, England came through when it counted 
most, this time versus the considerably larger French army at 
Technically a prolonged series of 
little wars, the Hundred Years’ War 
actually lasted 116 years, but with 
several breaks along the way.

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168
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
the Battle of Crecy, thanks to their timely unveiling of the 
longbow. Th
  e French, quite literally, didn’t know what had hit 
them.
1348–55:
 France continued to get generally stomped for the 
better part of a decade, with occasional intermissions for 
pesky distractions like the Black Plague. Meanwhile, the 
whole not-having-a-navy thing was really starting to get on 
France’s nerves.
1356:
 Another day, another French loss, this time at the 
Battle of Poitiers—except this time it resulted in the capture 
of France’s King John II.
1360:
 Th
  e Treaty of Brétigny was signed, giving England its 
precious Normandy and thus fi nally bringing an end to mer-
cilessly long Twenty-three Years’ War. Oh, wait . . .
1370 –1400:
 Nine years later, it was back to square one: 
Now the French decided they wanted Aquitaine back, and 
this time behind their new king, Charles V, they actually had 
a plan. Charles purchased a new naval fl eet and implemented 
more experienced generals. Oddly enough, they started to 
win.
1422–1453:
 Ah, but you can never count out the French. At 
least not in this one anomalous instance. Just when all ap-
peared lost, they rallied, thanks to a boost from a teenage girl 
named Joan with near miraculous militaristic talents and a 
little invention called the cannon. Th
  e cannon helped, but in 
the end, we still think it was Joan of Arc who made the diff er-
ence. After all, hell hath no fury like a religious canon, or 
cannon, we’re not really sure which. Either way, though, 
Joan’s just one of the many fi erce women you simply don’t 
want to mess with, leading us to . . .

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169
02
  Women Who Ruled
Boudicca (c. 30–62 CE), warrior queen of the Iceni of East 
Anglia, was “tall and terrible to look on” and perpetrator of 
countless gruesome atrocities, according to Roman historian 
Tacitus. But then, he might be a little biased, given that those 
atrocities were often perpetrated on Romans. In any case, 
Boudicca had more than a little motivation, given that Rome 
had betrayed her dead husband, stolen her kingdom, and had 
her publicly fl ogged and her daughters raped. Leading her 
tribe, the Iceni, she launched a full-scale revolt, burning Lon-
don and other cities, and striking fear in the hearts of Roman 
men (70,000 of whom were slaughtered along the way). Un-
fortunately, her revolt was put down, whereupon Boudicca 
(perhaps fearing another fl ogging) poisoned herself.
✖  ✖  ✖
Th
  e unquestioned power behind the throne for three separate 
yet equally spineless Chinese emperors, the Empress Dowager 
Cixi  (1835–1908)  bent  an  ancient  males-only  monarchy  to 
her will. Th
  e power she attained is said to have surpassed that 
of Queen Elizabeth and all on the basis of having been a really 
stellar concubine. After Cixi died, the whole country essen-
tially fell apart, as chronicled in the Oscar-winning biopic of 
her unfortunate successor, bluntly titled 
Th
  e Last Emperor.
✖  ✖  ✖
Speaking of Oscar bait, nobody packs in the Academy like the 
Virgin Queen. From her sultry Cate Blanchett-y youth to her 
dour Judi Dench-ish later years, Elizabeth I was all Holly-
wood all the way. However, some might call her kind of over-
rated. Although she did defeat the Spanish Armada, it