some-
thing
about you when he first walked up to you, and you need
to know what it is. He was attracted to something—he liked
your hair, your eyes, your legs, your outfit. He didn’t walk over
there just to be walking. Beyond the initial attraction, however,
men pretty much know if you’re the kind of woman they’re
going to sleep with and keep it moving, or if they’re going to
stick around and see if they want more. This, you will be able
to tell by his answers.
Listen to his answer closely. I assure you this is how it will
go, because every man will answer this question the same exact
way: “I think you’re great, I think you’d make a great mom,
you’re fun, kind, you’re really beautiful, you turn me on, you’re
energetic, outgoing, a hard worker, very smart. I think you’re
the kind of woman I could see myself with,” all of that generic
stuff we know you want to hear. Still, this isn’t the answer you
should be looking for. You want specifics. You want to know
that he’s really thought about you beyond the surface. So do
the follow-ups. “Oh, you think I’m kind? What about me
makes you think I’m kind?” Then sit back and listen. If he
can’t give you a concrete example of how you’ve shown your
kindness, he’s not really thinking about you beyond the sur-
face. But if he says, “You remember that time when it was my
mom’s birthday and you called me and reminded me to pick up
a card for her? That was really nice.” If he tells you he thinks
you’re a great mom, make him tell you what it is about you
that makes you a great mom. And so forth with whatever char-
acteristic he attributes to you. The level of his specifics will
give you yet another clue into this man’s intentions for your
relationship. If he can give you specifics, it means he’s been
listening and adding it up—he’s determining if he’s going to
keep you, if he can see himself in a committed relationship
with you. And that could mean that you’re at least on the same
relationship page.
Now this is not to be confused with what do you “think”
about me—“think” and “feel” are two wholly different things.
And if a man cannot tell you how he feels about you after a
month of dating, it’s because he doesn’t feel anything for
you—he just wants something. Ask a man how he feels about
you, and he’s going to get confused and nervous: “I told you
before—I think you’re . . .” he begins. You cut him right off
and say, “No, no, I want to know how you
feel
about me.” He
might shift in his chair, scratch his head, light a cigar—any-
thing to get out of giving you an answer or thinking of what he
thinks you want him to say. But you’ll have to get him to
answer it.
Don’t get upset if he doesn’t answer right away: he’s got to
go into that part of himself that he doesn’t like to go to, and
that’s the emotional part. Men do not do emotion well, at all,
and expressing it doesn’t come easy. He can answer questions
about God and the kids and his mother, but with this question,
you’re asking him to look into his soul, and our DNA isn’t
made up for the heartfelt outpouring to just anybody. But this
doesn’t mean you should let up. What you’re looking for in his
answer is something like this: “When I don’t see you, I miss
talking to you, I always wonder what you’re doing and when-
ever you come around, I just feel better—you’re the type of
woman I’ve been trying to find.” In other words, his answer has
to make you feel wonderful. He may not be in love with you
just yet, but he’s crazy about you and he’s probably thinking he
wants to explore a long-term commitment with you, because
when he starts to profess and put you in a position where he can
provide for and protect you, he’s seeing a future with you in it.
And this is exactly where you want to be with this guy.
The “I think you’re cool” answer isn’t going to cut it here,
ladies. And if, after you’ve asked the question and probed
deeper, you realize his feelings for you don’t run very deep—
that he’s just not there—then you need to not be there, too.
Pump the brakes until you start hearing and feeling from him
the things that you think are important to hear and feel from a
man with whom you’re willing to forge a relationship.
W
e men are fully aware that we have to answer these ques-
tions, and any real man is going to answer them. You may not
necessarily like the answers, but he’s going to answer them. If
he refuses, then don’t bother with him. Don’t think that you’re
going to work it out later—that you’ll wait him out until he
gets more comfortable with you—because that would be noth-
ing more than blind hope. Before you know it, you’ll be find-
ing out the hard way that this isn’t the guy for you, and you’ll
be starting all the conversations with your girlfriends like this:
“You know, I slept with him and he’s not about anything, I
don’t even know if he likes kids. . . .” Don’t let this happen.
Empower yourself—it’s your right to know all of these answers
up front; per my ninety-day rule, which you’ll discover in the
next chapter, you need to ask these questions within the first
few months of a courtship.
If you’re already in a relationship with someone, these ques-
tions are still valid if you don’t know the answers. You can ask
them for clarification. Or you may need to ask them with the
hope that they’ll solidify what you may already know—either
that you need to get out of your relationship or that you are
headed in the right direction. His answers may help you cut
your losses, before you invest too many more years in a rela-
tionship that isn’t going the way you want it to go. Or they may
make you say, “Wow, I’m glad I’m with this man.”
Know, too, that though we’ll answer the questions because
we like talking about ourselves, our answers just may make us
consider the woman who’s asking the questions in a different
light. We definitely want to know where our women stand on
these issues, too, but we’re not going to bring it up—especially
if our intentions for you aren’t pure. But in your conversations
around these issues, your man just might learn something about
you, too, something that makes him know he’s got a pretty
solid woman on his side. Say, for instance, he tells you that he
wants to be an engineer and he’s going to night school to get his
degree, and you tell him that you have a few friends who are
engineers and you can offer to introduce him to them so that
they can give some helpful advice as he works toward his new
career. When you offer that helping hand, he starts to think,
“Wow, this woman is interested in my goals and ambitions.
She’s offering to help me out. Maybe she might be the one to
get me to the next level.” And he might just envision including
you in those “next level” plans.
See, you’re getting information from him and plugging
yourself into all these slots—do I see myself in his short-term
plans, his long-term plans, as a part of his family, having babies
with him, helping him continue a solid relationship with his
mom, being a role-model dad for our kids, the whole picture?
But it’s a two-way street: know that this guy you’re quizzing is
listening to these intelligent, inquisitive questions, and calculat-
ing whether you’re a woman who is his keeper or just a sports
fish.
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