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“If my man doesn’t have God in his life
and doesn’t know how to jog for Jesus, there’s no need in
him even opening his mouth to me,
perhaps you can say
something like, “Sunday is my favorite day of the week, be-
cause I get to go to church and fellowship with like-minded
people and exercise my faith. By the time ser vice is over, I feel
so uplifted, I know the rest of my week is going to go great.”
Translation:
You’ve made clear that you’re a God-fearing,
churchgoing woman who knows the Lord and takes her faith
seriously, and you’ve opened up the conversation for him to
give his take on how he feels about religion and spirituality.
Instead of saying,
“I got three kids and two jobs because
these children’s daddy ain’t worth a damn, so any man
stepping to me better have bank and be ready to raise some
kids the right way or hit the highway,
you might want to say
something like, “Being a good mom is really important to me, and
a part of being a good mom is making sure that my kids have a
good father. I’m independent, but I realize how much better it
would be for me and my family if a good man was in the picture.
Translation:
You will have made clear that while you’re quite
capable of taking care of your own children, you recognize the
importance of having a good man in the mix—something that
will make a man who’s willing to put in the work understand
that he will be appreciated for being a good husband and father.
And that’s really all a man wants—a little appreciation every
now and again.
Get the picture? Now, you’ve given us what we think is
valuable information about the woman we’re interested in. But
more important, you’ve told us what your standards are, though
you’ve done so by disguising them in a whole lot of pretty talk.
It’s like grape-flavored cough syrup; it’s still medicine, but it’s
just going to taste better going down.
Now, I should add that while men appreciate it when women
let them know up front what they require in a relationship, I
firmly believe women need to step back every once in a while
and let the man show you what he’s made of—you know, prove
that he’s worthy of your time. I really do believe one of the big-
gest mistakes women make early on in the relationship is laying
out in full detail all the things you love a man to do for you,
without giving him a chance to show you what he’s
willing
to do
for you. I mean, it’s nice and all that you like long walks by the
beach, and chocolate on Valentine’s Day, and you favor lilies in
the summertime. But how, exactly, do you find out how cre-
ative, exciting, or giving a man is if you give him the blueprint
for how to coax a smile on to your face, without requiring him
to figure some of this out on his own? Be sure of this: if you tell
a man you like red roses at work, dinner at that special restaurant
across town, and Chanel bags for your birthday, that is exactly
what he will give you—nothing less, but certainly nothing more.
And you’ll be happy about it—at first. But then give it about
forty-five days or so, and he’s going to stop doing what you told
him you like because he’ll have figured he did what he needed
to do to get what he wanted. And you will think that because he
stopped, he changed. And you’ll go tell your girlfriends, “I don’t
know what happened—he used to do everything I like.”
He did everything you like because you told him what you like.
My philosophy? Instead of telling him what you like, tell
him what you
don’t
like, and then see how he responds; let him
research and dig and figure out how to get to your sweet spot.
Just go right ahead and put it out there: “I’m not a fan of just
sitting around in the house on the weekends,” or “I don’t like it
when a man doesn’t treat me like a lady,” or “I don’t like going
to the same restaurants over and over again.” Then, as your
relationship progresses, watch his actions. For sure, you’ll get
his blueprint for how he conducts himself—you’ll see what he’s
willing to give freely of his own accord. You don’t like going
to the same restaurants? He’ll know to find new, interesting
places to take you. You don’t like sitting in the house on Satur-
days? He’ll be sure to take you out to a concert or a new
museum exhibit, or he’ll at least look through the newspaper
and see what’s going on around town so he has some sugges-
tions for what you all can do together. He knows you don’t like
people who aren’t family oriented? He’s going to bring treats
for the kids when he meets them, or even offer to take you and
them to the park for a quick game of catch or a push on the
swings, and no matter how uncomfortable he may think he
might feel, he’s going to go to the barbecue at your mom’s
house because he knows you require a man who likes and gets
along with family. Sit back and watch him: see if he opens the
car door for you, or pulls out your chair when you sit at the
table, or turns off his phone when he’s with you, so that he can
dedicate all of his attention to your time together. And then if
he doesn’t step up to the plate—if he doesn’t show you that he’s
willing to figure out how to put a smile on your face—then
you’ll
be in the position to decide if he’s capable of giving you
what you need and at least some of what you want.
Of course, to lay out your requirements for a man, and
convey the importance of following those requirements, you
must first figure out what, exactly, your requirements are. I’ve
listed questions here that you should consider as you formulate
your top ten requirements, and I’ve left space for you to docu-
ment your list:
What specific kind of man are you looking for?
(For example, funny? Hardworking? Generous?)
How do you expect to be pursued? (Do you want
regular phone calls? Text messages? Dates at least
three times a week? Do you want him to always pick
up the tab?)
What level of commitment do you expect? (Do you
want an open relationship? Or to date exclusively?
Should it be up for discussion?)
What kind of financial security do you expect this
man to have? (Do you want him to be rich? Do you
want him to make more money than you? Are you
okay with a blue-collar worker?)
Do you want a man who wants kids and is family
oriented?
Does he have to be religious/spiritual?
Do you mind if he’s a divorcé or has kids?
Can you help a man build his dream? Can you adapt
to his plan?
What do you expect of his family? (Should you get
along with his mother? Do you care if he doesn’t get
along with her? Or if his father was never around?)
What should he be willing to do to woo you? (Should
he pursue you? Give you expensive gifts?)
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