Of course, you’ve got to use your ninety days wisely;
a pro-
bationary period means nothing if you’re not putting this guy
through the paces. During that ninety-day period, you should
be checking him out—does he come when he says he’s going to
come; does he call when he’s going to be late; does he like and
care
about your friends and, if you have them, your children;
does he express his joy at being in your presence? Most impor-
tant, is this really a man with whom you can see yourself in a
committed relationship? Or do you see signs that make your
God-given intuition kick in? You know how it goes: you
haven’t
been invited over to his house, you only have the cell
phone number, he won’t answer his phone when you’re in the
room or he takes hushed calls in the corner where you can’t
hear what’s being said—he tells you he’s dating other women,
or, somehow, you just know he is. These are tendencies you
can’t possibly see in a man you’ve dated for less than ninety days
because guess what? The guy who is dating you just to get the
benefits up front is going to be on his
best behavior in the be-
ginning, specifically so he can make you think he’s worthy. But
just as sure as time is going to come and go, he’ll eventually
show his true nature.
Give it at least ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out
of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for
you. After all, it’s your right to want what you want—and to
actually get it. Put yourself first: ask the five questions (as men-
tioned in the previous chapter), withhold the benefits, and
demand the respect. If you have a high level of respect for your-
self, you’re automatically going to
command that respect from
a man. Make him qualify for the benefits, and I guarantee you’ll
have a better man on your hands—and in your bed. And once
you’re satisfied he’s worthy of the benefits, you can pass it out
like sandwiches at a picnic.
Hold on, I know what you’re thinking: you’re thinking that
if he doesn’t get sex from you, he’ll go and get it somewhere
else, and you will have lost out on that one chance to get him
to be your man—or he’ll think you’re playing games if you
make
him wait, and he’ll move on to the next woman who’s
willing to take him into her bed.
Wrong.
In fact, one of those mind tricks we’ve been playing on
women since the beginning of time is to convince you all that
waiting doesn’t matter, that giving it up early and quick is the
way to go. Listen to me: if we could convince you that you
should strip naked and get to it within the first five minutes of
our first meeting, we would. This is not a secret:
men love and
want sex, and will try (within reason) to get it by any means
necessary.
But guess what? He. Can. Wait. Yes, of course you run the
risk of scaring him off, but isn’t the guy who sleeps with you
without any obligation to you,
or consideration of your wants,
needs, and emotional well-being, the one you
want
to go away?
Isn’t reserving something that special for a man who earns it
more of a benefit
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