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APPENDIX 3 
ERGENEKON PREFACE AND EPILOGUE 
327 
find me worthy of the honour to fall inside a trench’s dent and die together with an 
innocent village child. 
Everyone bears his own cross. But reaching the bloody union (vuslat a union/reunion 
with one’s beloved) at the top of Golgotha is granted only to Jesus. How many noble 
dreams we dwell upon, how many sweet desires we nourish, but none of them comes 
true. Wanting is not doing. 
When I was eighteen years old I was a rebellious Anarchist. My greatest ambition 
was to knock to the ground anyone with high authority or power. Then I wanted to be 
the head of a revolution and to stir up the people’s masses like the wind’s swaying of 
the forest. At my thirties I had abandoned all these, I had stopped believing in 
anything and had left myself to corporeal pleasures. But from this flesh inflammation 
I was kindled with a different kind of spiritual inflammation. A mystic love 
enveloped my spiritual home like a burning flame. Burning with this flame I was 
finding life and I was filling my tepid reclusion with visions reminiscence of the 
waters of a clear spring. Here, from all these I reached the love for the nation and I 
knew this time that it was so much better to die for the nation. 
But in this new religion I knew that I myself was the prophet to myself. For this 
reason my soul was in disarray like a congregation without an imam. Until I heard 
His voice from the other side of the Anatolian uplands and I then knew the difference 
between light and fire, rapture and fever. It was only under the order of this nation’s 

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APPENDIX 3 
ERGENEKON PREFACE AND EPILOGUE 
328 
spiritual guide that I was rescued from burning in vain with barren fires and from 
suffering in vain from convulsions which were wearing me out. 
But alas. Because, arising from these sublime dreams I was in the middle of filthy 
realities. Which bad wind threw me among flesh of men. What were these bestial 
worshippers from whose mouth flows saliva doing near me? Why was I to witness 
from so close the fortune and position seeking junk and vulgarity? of serveti ve 
makami harisi kalabalığı bayalığı 
What was the reason they formed such a tight hoop around the charlatans, the fools, 
the jealous and the bad hearted and turn it with their own vanity? I want to shout to 
all of these: ‘Get out of my way, disperse and leave me, let me be, let me find the 
clear faced ghosts which filled my old solitude.
Let me be, let me find the noble Hero who takes me to the right path; let me reach 
my heart’s great guide!’

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