Mindset : The New Psychology of Success pdfdrive com

The Growth-Mindset Step.
The plan the counselor suggests would allow your daughter
to  start  enjoying  the  things  she  does.  The  flute  lessons  are  put  on  hold.  Your
daughter is told she can practice as much or as little as she wants for the pure joy
of the music and nothing else.
She is to study her school materials to learn from them, not to cram everything
possible into her head. The counselor refers her to a tutor who teaches her how
to  study  for  understanding.  The  tutor  also  discusses  the  material  with  her  in  a
way that makes it interesting and enjoyable. Studying now has a new meaning. It
isn’t  about  getting  the  highest  grade  to  prove  her  intelligence  and  worth  to  her
parents. It’s about learning things and thinking about them in interesting ways.
Your  daughter’s  teachers  are  brought  into  the  loop  to  support  her  in  her
reorientation  toward  growth.  They’re  asked  to  talk  to  her  about  (and  praise  her
for)  her  learning  process  rather  than  how  she  did  on  tests.  (“I  can  see  that  you
really  understand  how  to  use  metaphors  in  your  writing.”  “I  can  see  that  you
were really into your project on the Incas. When I read it, I felt as though I were
in ancient Peru.”) You are taught to talk to her this way too.
Finally,  the  counselor  strongly  urges  that  your  daughter  attend  a  high  school
that  is  less  pressured  than  the  one  you  have  your  eye  on.  There  are  other  fine
schools that focus more on learning and less on grades and test scores. You take

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your daughter around and spend time in each of the schools. Then she discusses
with you and the counselor which ones she was most excited about and felt most
at ease in.
Slowly, you learn to separate your needs and desires from hers. You may have
needed a daughter who was number one in everything, but your daughter needed
something else: acceptance from her parents and freedom to grow. As you let go,
your  daughter  becomes  much  more  genuinely  involved  in  the  things  she  does.
She does them for interest and learning, and she does them very well indeed.
Is your child trying to tell you something you don’t want to hear? You know
the ad that asks, “Do you know where your child is now?” If you can’t hear what
your  child  is  trying  to  tell  you—in  words  or  actions—then  you  don’t  know
where your child is. Enter the growth mindset and listen harder.
MINDSET AND WILLPOWER
Sometimes  we  don’t  want  to  change  ourselves  very  much.  We  just  want  to  be
able  to  drop  some  pounds  and  keep  them  off.  Or  stop  smoking.  Or  control  our
anger.
Some  people  think  about  this  in  a  fixed-mindset  way.  If  you’re  strong  and
have willpower, you can do it. But if you’re weak and don’t have willpower, you
can’t. People who think this way may firmly resolve to do something, but they’ll
take no special measures to make sure they succeed. These are the people who
end up saying, “Quitting is easy. I’ve done it a hundred times.”
It’s just like the chemistry students we talked about before. The ones with the
fixed-mindset thought: “If I have ability, I’ll do well; if I don’t, I won’t.” As a
result,  they  didn’t  use  sophisticated  strategies  to  help  themselves.  They  just
studied in an earnest but superficial way and hoped for the best.
When  people  with  a  fixed  mindset  fail  their  test—in  chemistry,  dieting,
smoking, or anger—they beat themselves up. They’re incompetent, weak, or bad
people. Where do you go from there?
My  friend  Nathan’s  twenty-fifth  high  school  reunion  was  coming  up,  and
when he thought about how his ex-girlfriend would be there, he decided to lose
the  paunch.  He’d  been  handsome  and  fit  in  high  school  and  he  didn’t  want  to
show up as a fat middle-aged man.
Nathan had always made fun of women and their diets. What’s the big fuss?

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You  just  need  some  self-control.  To  lose  the  weight,  he  decided  he  would  just
eat part of what was on his plate. But each time he got into a meal, the food on
the  plate  disappeared.  “I  blew  it!”  he’d  say,  feeling  like  a  failure  and  ordering
dessert—either to seal the failure or to lift his mood.
I’d  say,  “Nathan,  this  isn’t  working.  You  need  a  better  system.  Why  not  put
some of the meal aside at the beginning or have the restaurant wrap it up to take
home?  Why  not  fill  your  plate  with  extra  vegetables,  so  it’ll  look  like  more
food? There are lots of things you can do.” To this he would say, “No, I have to
be strong.”
Nathan  ended  up  going  on  one  of  those  liquid  crash  diets,  losing  weight  for
the reunion, and putting back more than he lost afterward. I wasn’t sure how this
was being strong, and how using some simple strategies was being weak.
Next time you try to diet, think of Nathan and remember that willpower is not
just a thing you have or don’t have. Willpower needs help. I’ll come back to this
point.
Anger
Controlling  anger  is  something  else  that’s  a  problem  for  many  people.
Something triggers their temper and off they go, losing control of their mouths
or  worse.  Here,  too,  people  may  vow  that  next  time  they’ll  be  different.  Anger
control  is  a  big  issue  between  partners  and  between  parents  and  children,  not
only  because  partners  and  children  do  things  that  make  us  angry,  but  also
because we may think we have a greater right to let loose when they do. Try this
one.