In memory of Nicole Lewanski

A
. My body stiffened, and a
new fear gripped me as it made its way with slow deliberation to the letter 
N
.
Then it completed its journey on 
A
. 
Ana.
The word exploded in my mind like a
hand grenade and sent me reeling into a state of panic. I withdrew my finger
immediately as if I had just been scalded. Then Freddy collapsed into fits of
laughter.
“You asshole!” cried Lucy, getting up and flicking the lights on. I stood up
quickly, knocking my knee hard against the underside of the table, and ran
straight upstairs to my bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me. I fell onto
my knees, gasping for air. 
I’m dying,
I thought. My lungs were screaming for
oxygen, and in my panicked stupor, I couldn’t find a way to oblige them.
Candela came bursting in and hurried over.
“Audrey! Oh my God.” She put one hand on my arm and tossed her head
back and screamed, “Lucy, grab the bag of mushrooms in the fridge.”
“What?”
“Just grab the bag of mushrooms.” Almost in a heartbeat, Lucy was there with
the paper bag. Candela dumped the mushrooms on the floor and put the bag
over my mouth. “Audrey! Breathe . . . breathe . . . breathe.”
“Is she okay? I’ve never seen her this bad. Do we need to call anyone?”
“She’ll be okay.” Candela ran her hand soothingly up and down my back.
Soon, my pulse steadied, and my breathing grew less ragged. When it was over, I
sat there dazed and looked up to catch Freddy standing by the door, looking
down at me with his mouth agape.

---

Twenty-four
I
T
WAS
L
UCY
’
S
birthday, and we were celebrating at Spag Bowl. Rad and I joined
Lucy and Freddy sitting at their favorite table.
“Hey, birthday girl!” I leaned down to kiss her cheek. “Did you manage to get
in touch with Candela?”
She shook her head. “No, I’ve been calling her all day. She didn’t come in last
night, and she hasn’t been answering my texts. I hope she hasn’t forgotten.”
I pulled my phone out of my purse and tapped Candela’s number. After a few
seconds, it went to voicemail. “Candela, where are you? We’re all at Spag Bowl
for Lucy’s birthday dinner. Call me back.”
“What should we do?” said Lucy checking her watch. “It’s quarter to eight.”
“We should probably start without her.”
W
HEN
L
UCY
AND
I got home, Candela was sitting on the steps outside the house
holding the string of a red helium balloon. She grinned sheepishly when she saw
us. “I’m such a shitty friend.” She stood up and gave Lucy a hug. “Happy
birthday, sweetie. I’m sorry I missed it.”
“Where were you?” I asked.
“I was with a friend, and we lost track of time.”
“Who?” I could see Candela tense up in response to Lucy’s innocent question.
“What are you, my mother now?” I think the words came out harsher than she
intended.
Lucy flinched. “Candela, I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“Sorry,” Candela sighed. “Look, I’m just tired. I haven’t slept all night.”
She handed Lucy the red balloon, and in the fumbled exchange, it slipped out
of their grasp. The three of us stood watching its slow ascent into the dark,
starless sky.

---

Twenty-five
O
VER
THE
NEXT
few weeks, Candela’s disappearing acts grew more and more
frequent. Our kitchen once again stood neglected; cutlery and dirty dishes piled
up in the sink. Lucy was complaining about the mess in Candela’s room and the
fact that she hadn’t paid her share of the bills for over a month. One morning, a
strange number popped up on the screen of my phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, is this Audrey?” It was a female voice I didn’t recognize.
“Yes, speaking. Who is this?”
“Sorry to bother you. I’m Candela’s boss. She hasn’t been to work for the past
few days, and I’m trying to contact her. Do you know where she is?”
“No. Sorry.”
I heard Lucy coming up the stairs as I ended the call. “Audrey, have you seen
my mother’s pearls?” she asked.
“No. When did you have them last?”
She cocked her head to one side in the way she always did when sorting
through her memory archives—which I pictured to be in neat, orderly
compartments, with color-coded labels. “The last time I wore them was the night
of my birthday dinner, at Spag Bowl
. 
Anyway, Mum wants them back, and I
can’t find them anywhere.” She chewed on her bottom lip.
“That’s weird.” It was hard to believe she could misplace something as
important as her mother’s pearls.
“You don’t suppose . . .” she trailed off and looked immediately guilty.
“Candela? No way.”
“She’s been so behind on her share of the bills,” said Lucy, winding a lock of
hair around her finger. “And she hasn’t come home in days.”
“I just got a call from her boss. It was weird. She said Candela hasn’t been in,
and she was trying to get ahold of her.”
“God, I wonder what the hell is up with her.”
“Maybe she met someone?”

---

“I don’t know,” said Lucy with a shrug. “You know what Candela’s like. She
hates having to answer to anyone, so I don’t want to push her.”
“Me neither.”
As if on cue, we heard a key turn in the door and the thudding sound of
Candela’s boots in the hallway. Lucy and I went out to meet her, and she stopped
when she saw us, a little startled.
“Hi, guys. What’s happening?”
“Where have you been?” I asked. “You haven’t been home in days.”
She rolled her eyes. “So you’re going to give me the third degree now?” She
walked past us into the kitchen and grabbed a Diet Coke from the fridge.
“Candela,” I said cautiously. “We’re not trying to cramp your style. We’re just
worried; that’s all.”
“Worried? Audrey, you’re the one having panic attacks.” She must have seen
how much her words had stung because she gave me an apologetic look. “I’m
sorry; that was mean.”
She looked from me to Lucy. “Guys, I’m fine. I’ve been busy at work.”
“Really? Your boss just called looking for you. She wants to know why you
haven’t been showing up.”
Candela looked at me, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise. Then she looked
away, an expression of annoyance crossing her face.
“Well, I was planning on quitting anyway.” There was an awkward moment as
we stood there, not knowing what to say. Then Candela threw up her hands.
“Okay, you’ve got me. I’ve met someone, and we’re just having fun hanging out,
okay? I don’t make a thing of it when you’re off with your boyfriends, so give a
girl a break.” She took a long swig of her Diet Coke and in her typical fashion
walked off into her room, pulling the door firmly shut behind her.
L
UCY
AND
I hoped Candela was just going through a phase and it would blow
over. After all, when Rad and I began seeing each other, I disappeared for days
on end. But to our dismay, Candela’s behavior got more and more erratic as we
edged into spring. Aside from the pearl necklace, we noticed other missing items.
A five-dollar bill here, a twenty there. Then there was Lucy’s Burberry purse and
my iPod. Things that you don’t realize are missing until you look for them. One
day, it all came to a head when Candela turned up after being absent for over a
week.
“I’m just here to pick up a few things,” she said dismissively, walking past Lucy

---

and me sitting on the love seat playing Mario Kart.
I got up, following her. “Candela, wait.”
Lucy came up, and in a few minutes we were all standing in her bedroom.
“I’m kind of in a hurry,” she said, shoving some of her clothes into a small
duffle bag.
“We need to talk to you,” Lucy insisted.
“What is it?” Candela looked from Lucy to me. She sighed and put her bag on
the bed, spreading out her arms in a gesture of surrender. “I’m all ears.”
“We’ve noticed things have gone missing around the house,” I said.
“And?”
I gave an exasperated sigh. “Look, Candela. If you’re short on cash, we’re
happy to help—”
“You think I’m stealing from you?” She cut me off, put her hands on her hips,
and glared at me.
“Are you?” asked Lucy.
“Come on, guys. It’s me.”
“Are you using again?”
“No!” said Candela, raising her voice. “What the hell, Audrey?”
I reached out and grabbed her arm.
“What the fuck are you doing?” she yelled, pulling away. I grabbed her arm
again, pushing her sleeves up.
“Let me see your arms,” I demanded.
She shoved me backward, tugging her sleeve back down. “Audrey,” her eyes
flashed dangerously, “I’m warning you!” She threw a few more things into her
bag and stormed out, with Lucy and I trailing closely behind.
When we got outside, we saw a heavyset man on a motorcycle, with
obscenities tattooed around his bulging neck. My heart sank.
“Jesus Christ,” I swore under my breath, “she’s back with Dirk again.”
“Candy Cane!” he called gruffly. “Move your ass, baby.”
Lucy reached out and grabbed Candela’s arm. “You’re not going anywhere
with him.”
Candela looked at her, eyes wide with disbelief. “Excuse me?”
“Lucy’s right,” I said, grabbing her other arm. “Come back inside, Candela.”
“What’s going on, Candy Cane?” Dirk called out again. To our dismay, he got
off his bike and sauntered over. “Hey, let her go,” he said, towering over us.
“Fuck off,” I said.
“What did you just say?” he said, taking a menacing step toward me.

---

I glared at him. “I told you to fuck off. Get lost.”
“You’re lucky you’re a girl.” He crossed his arms and glared down at me. “I
don’t hit girls.”
“Well, Candela,” my tone dripped with sarcasm, “looks like you’ve got
yourself a real gentleman here.”
“Don’t talk to her like that!” Dirk barked at me.
I turned to him. “Oh yeah? Where the fuck were you when she was in
hospital, fighting for her life?