In memory of Nicole Lewanski

A Tale of Two Cities
?”

---

“‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times . . .’”
She nodded. “Around the time you turn twenty-seven, Saturn begins to close
in on its first cycle. Many people believe this will herald a tremendous change in
your life. It’s supposed to be the period where you cross the threshold into
adulthood. And it’s meant to be a time that is as magical as it is unsettling. Your
life is thrown into chaos and disarray. Think of it as your own tiny revolution.”
“Was it that way for you?”
She nodded. “That was the year I met the man with the bumblebee pin.”
“And what happened?” I asked, fascinated.
A mysterious smile played on her lips. “Well, I won’t go into any detail—I let
my books speak for me in that regard—but I will tell you that when I turned
twenty-seven, I learned a very important lesson.”
“What was it?” I asked, leaning in.
“I learned that writing is the consolation prize you are given when you don’t
get the thing you want the most.”
I 
LEFT
E
LSA
’
S
house, my head spinning. I decided to go for a walk along Bondi
Beach to process everything that had happened that day. Writing is the
consolation prize you are given when you don’t get the thing you want the most.
I couldn’t help but attach those words to Rad and the book he wrote after Ana’s
death. Seeing that box and its contents, I finally understood the depth of his
feelings for Ana, and it was as if the rug had been pulled out from under my feet.
I was walking down the busy footway, the ocean before me shimmering like a
jewel, when suddenly, I stopped. I remembered the page from Ana’s diary. I
slipped my hand into the pocket of my Audrey jacket, but nothing was there. I
frowned. I was dead sure I had put it in there. I checked the other pocket, but it
too was empty. Frantically, I dug into all the pockets of my jeans—there was
nothing. My head began to spin. My throat felt like it was closing in on me. I
reached down and tweaked my rubber band, blindly stumbling to a nearby
bench. A teenage boy on his skateboard stopped by me. “Hey, are you okay?”
I nodded. “Asthma,” I said, hoping he would leave me alone.
“Do you need me to call the ambulance or anything?”
“No,” I managed to gasp, “I’ll be okay.”
I collapsed on the bench, my chest rising and falling rapidly. I snapped my
rubber band again and gripped the side of the bench, forcing myself to
concentrate on my hand, to acknowledge that it was connected to something

---

solid. I clutched the bench like a life raft.
It felt like an eternity before I managed to get my breathing under control.
Then it was like a fog clearing, and, gradually, I felt as if I was back in the real
world again, and I became aware of the odd looks I was getting from passersby.
I reached into my satchel, my hands still shaking, and took out every last thing
in there, hoping I would now find the page from Ana’s diary. Maybe I could put
it back in the box before Rad noticed it was missing. But I looked and looked,
and it was nowhere to be found.
I grabbed my phone and called Lucy.
“Hey, Audrey.”
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?” she asked, even though she must have known from my voice
that I wasn’t.
“I don’t know. I’m at Bondi Beach. Can you come and pick me up?”
“Sure, sweetie. Just hang on—I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
L
UCY
TOOK
ME
home and settled me onto our blue couch. She wrapped our large
throw around me and squeezed my shoulders.
“What happened today?”
I told her about my morning, how I found the time capsule Rad kept in his
apartment.
“Oh, Audrey,” she said with a sigh. “You shouldn’t have looked in there. I
mean, most people keep old love letters, and it hasn’t been that long since Ana
died. I don’t think it would in any way diminish what he feels for you.”
“I know. I guess I just thought what we had was the most amazing and rare
thing. I suppose I always imagined his relationship with Ana was similar to the
one I shared with Duck. But now, seeing the poem and the photo . . .” I didn’t
mention the diary entry.
“I know. It must have been a shock for you.”
I nodded. “I hardly ever think about Duck anymore. I still care about him but
not anything romantic—that faded so quickly. But I think it’s different for Rad.
Even though he never talks about Ana, his pen tells me she’s still there in his
heart. She’s in every damn line he writes.”
“Audrey, if you had the choice, would you rather be his muse or be in his
arms?”
“I want to be both. I know it’s the exception rather than the rule, but I can’t

---

help what I want.”
“Of course not, sweetie,” she said, giving me a sympathetic smile.
“Do you know about Schrödinger’s cat?”
Lucy nodded. “Yeah. It’s the theory about the cat in the box with the flask of
poison. The idea being that the cat in the box is both simultaneously alive and
dead—it’s only when you open the box that it is one or the other.”
“Exactly. If I had never looked into that box, it would still be a pile of old
trading cards—at least to me. But I’ve opened up a new reality, and I want to go
back to the old one.”
“Audrey,” Lucy let out a deep breath, “this kind of thinking isn’t healthy. All
these what-ifs. You can go on and on forever.”
“I know. I just can’t believe he would lie about what was in the box. I think
that bothers me more than anything. That he could look in my eyes and tell me
something that is completely contrary to the truth.”
“I don’t think he did it out of malice, Audrey. You just caught him off guard. I
mean, we’ve all been guilty of that at some point.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“Haven’t you ever told a lie that you regretted?”
Out of nowhere, an icy cold finger traced a line down my back. I shivered and
pulled the throw tighter around me.
“I mean, everyone does,” Lucy continued, oblivious to the effect her words
had on me. “Freddy still believes I’m a natural blonde.”
“Seriously?”
She nodded. “He has no idea.”
“He hasn’t noticed that the carpet doesn’t match the drapes?”
She looked at me and shrugged. “Now you know why I’m so OCD about my
waxing appointments.”
I gave her a wry smile. “Well, your secret’s safe with me.”
L
ATER
THAT
NIGHT
, I got a text from Rad.
Want to go for a drive?
Sure
It had been a long day, and I wished I could just close my eyes and fall asleep.
But my mind was racing, and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I didn’t know
if seeing Rad would soothe my anxiety or make it worse.

---

H
E
WAS
OUTSIDE
my house about twenty minutes later.
“We haven’t done this in ages,” I said, as we turned the corner.
“No.” Rad turned and smiled at me.
“It feels nostalgic.”
We drove for a while with no destination. The moon swam through the sky,
pale and ghostly, dipping in and out of clouds like a retro arcade game. I looked
over at Rad, and as usual, a feeling of tenderness swept through me. Sitting there
beside him in the car—it was all I wanted for the rest of my life. “I know you
looked inside that box,” he said suddenly. My entire body prickled with fear. I
kept silent. “It’s okay,” he continued. “I think in a way I wanted you to.”
He must have noticed that the page from Ana’s diary was missing.
He switched gears and slowed down, then turned into the empty parking lot of
a supermarket. He parked the car and looked at me, his face partly covered in
shadow.
“Did you read anything?”
“Only a poem,” I said truthfully. “And there was a diary entry, but I only read
the first few lines.”
“I noticed it was missing from the box. Do you still have it?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure why, but I stuck it in the pocket of my jacket,
and now I can’t seem to find it. It must have fallen out somewhere. I’m sorry.”
“Oh. Hopefully it will turn up.”
“Why did you have a page from Ana’s diary?”
“I took it on the night of her wake. I knew she kept her diary under a loose
floorboard in her bedroom. I’m not sure why I went through it.” He shook his
head. “Grief makes you do weird things.”
“You don’t have to explain. I probably would have done the same thing
myself.”
“I’m not sure why I chose to tear out that page in particular. I suppose I
wanted to punish myself in some way for what happened to Ana. I wanted
something that would hurt me each time I read it.”
“But that’s crazy, Rad. Why would you do that to yourself? It’s bad enough
you lost her.”
He looked at me, and a strange expression crossed his face. “Audrey, I’ve never
told this to anyone before. What happened to Ana was my fault. I’m the reason
why she did it.”
“Why on earth would you think that, Rad? How could it be your fault?”
His eyes, pained and haunted, looked straight into mine. “You know that

---

rumor that was going around, the one about Ana screwing her dad?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah.”
“I was at her house right before they found her in the bathtub. I went there to
confront her about the rumor.” He closed his eyes, as though it hurt him to
remember. “She told me it was a lie, that someone had made it all up. But I got
the feeling she was hiding something from me. I told her I thought she was lying,
and we got into a fight—the worst fight we’d ever had.”
I reached over and took his hand. It was cold and clammy.
“I should have been there for her,” he continued. “Regardless of whether the
gossip was true or not. She had the whole town against her. She just needed
someone on her side. But I chose not to be that person. A few hours later, her
father called and told me she was dead.” He shook his head and buried his face in
his hands.
“Rad,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “What happened to Ana wasn’t your
fault.”
He turned to face me. “What do you mean? I just told you—”
I drew in a deep breath. “Rad, Ana was telling you the truth,” I said softly.
“The rumor—it was a lie.”
He looked at me blankly. “A lie? But how do you know for sure?”
I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again. My heart was beating so
fast I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I swallowed hard and looked
him straight in the eye. “Because I was the one who made it up.”
Rad stared at me as if I was an apparition. Like I had just materialized from thin
air to occupy the passenger seat across from him. “You made it up?” he said
dumbly.
I nodded. “I told the story to Lucy and Candela one night, and Eve overheard
us. She passed it on to her mother, and that’s how the rumor got started.”
“Audrey, what are you saying?” He grew more and more distressed. “Why are
you saying this shit?” He looked around the car wildly.
“Because it’s true,” I said, my voice breaking with emotion. “And I live with
my guilt every single day.”
“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”
I shook my head and bit down hard on my lip. “I wish I was, but I’m telling
you it’s true. It was a lie. I made it up.”
“Why the fuck would you make up something like that?” he said, grabbing my
shoulders and shaking me. “Why the fuck would you do that?”
“I don’t know,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes.

---

“