Social psychologists like Ron Friedman have found that merely being near
someone in a good mood can be enough to lift people’s motivation (and
therefore their performance), and being near someone grumpy can do the
opposite. Friedman and his colleagues at the University
of Rochester showed
that this happened even when people were working on completely different tasks
—and it happened within five minutes, without any conversation.
3
Stress leaks,
too. Other researchers found that asking people to do some unexpected public
speaking not only made the speakers twitchy, but also raised the cortisol levels
of people who’d been assigned to listen to them.
4
And it doesn’t take much to
provoke this contagion. German researchers found that merely looking at photos
of people smiling or grimacing was enough to provoke
measurable feelings of
happiness or sadness, even when the viewers saw the photos for just half a
second.
5
So when there’s
tension at work, the mood we choose to carry into a
conversation can throw either inflammatory fuel or soothing water on the fire. I
remember facing that choice one day in a long coaching session with four hard-
nosed corporate lawyers. I’d been told that one of the attendees would be very
late, so we began the meeting without her. The conversation quickly picked up
an inspiring momentum, full of mutual support and shared advice.
After
a couple of hours, our tardy member finally breezed through the door
and flung herself into a chair, the stress almost visibly rippling around her. She
launched into a diatribe about how packed her schedule was, and then barked a
question about future dates for the coaching program. I reminded her mildly that
there was just one more long-agreed-upon session scheduled for a couple of
months later. As she spluttered, “But I can’t do that, it’s not in my diary, I can’t
possibly…,” I watched in
amazement as the other three, previously happy and
energized, changed their demeanor entirely. Earlier they’d been sure they were
coming to the next meeting, but now the room filled with grumbling: “Where’s
my phone?” “It’s
not in my calendar, either.” “I don’t think I can make it.”
“How annoying.” The cranky virus was on the rampage.
I had some choices. I could project the concern and irritation I was beginning
to feel. Or I could try for something more positive. I thought about my real
intention for the meeting: what mattered most here? The answer was clear: I
wanted to restore the supportive group dynamic. So what emotion did I want to
somehow radiate? This was all happening in a split second in my head, and so I
had to work with whatever emotion came to mind, which was “love.” Try not to
groan. It was simple and strong, though I wouldn’t have dared say the word out
loud to any of them.
I knew I couldn’t just grit my teeth and tell myself, “Feel loving, dammit”; I
had to find a genuine warmth to project into the room. So I called to mind all the
things I had really loved about working with them so far. With that in mind, it
wasn’t too difficult for me to smile at them benevolently,
to nod and answer
their questions calmly. Within a few minutes, I felt an easing in the air around
us, a settling. We were back on track, and able to make good use of the rest of
the time.
So when you’re walking into a tense conversation or you feel the atmosphere
sharpening around you, recognize that you can be a subliminal force for good in
the room. You can’t always change the
direction of the conversation, but you
can help to set the tone. To do this:
Go back to your collaborative intention for the conversation, and ask yourself
which emotion you’d like to be projecting.
Think of times you’ve felt that emotion in the past, or of people who reliably
put you in that mood. Visualize those situations or individuals in your mind,
to harness a little of the mind’s-eye rehearsal benefits we encountered in
Chapter 3
.
And if you’re able to
do this mental preparation
before
the meeting, so you
can walk in full of infectious energy, so much the better.
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