Many times, when you are
going through your daily life,
Attraction Principle #50 will be very subtle. For example, a woman
may have spread herself very thin between her career and her time
to herself, and she’s exhausted. He asks her out: “How about
Wednesday?” She tells him Wednesday isn’t good because of
work demands on Thursday morning. So he asks, “How about
Tuesday or Thursday?” Then she accepts.
Her needs are swept
under the rug, and worse yet,
she
is doing the sweeping. Then she
goes out and she is cranky and irritated because she is overworked
and hasn’t rested.
The bitch doesn’t take the more difficult course; she takes the
easier course.
How hard is it to suggest, “The weekend would
really be better.” It’s better for
everyone
involved. The bitch is her
own guide.
Cathy was on a first date when she found that the guy wouldn’t
let her order what she wanted off the menu. He kept saying, “You
have
to try this . . .” She was firm but polite, and finally, he ordered
what she wanted. Then he ordered a bottle of wine after she had
said she didn’t want to “drink and drive,” particularly because it
was a weeknight. He poured her a glass and they made a toast, so
she didn’t argue. They clinked glasses and she took one sip to be
gracious, but not another sip there-after. Her glass of wine didn’t
move.
What is important in this example is that she didn’t
explain
herself. She just did what she wanted to do. She didn’t need to ask
his permission to honor her own wishes, she just honored them.
Another woman I know shared a story about a man she dated.
After two dates, the man asked her to take him to the airport at 4
A.M.
(yes, in the morning).
On their second date, he was coordinating while she listened.
“You could get up at 4
A.M.
, pick me up at 5
A.M.
, get to the
airport at 6
A.M.
, go home by 7
A.M.
, shower, and get to work by 8
A.M.
” (The ringmaster had the poodle hoop-circuit all planned out.)
Here’s a novel idea that never crossed his mind:
He could pay
seven bucks for a shuttle, rather than yank her out of bed at such a
ridiculous hour. She politely said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to be busy.”
And he said, “What do you mean busy? Busy what? Sleeping?”
She smiled and politely said, “Yes.”
If he acts as though it’s perfectly normal for you to jump through
hoops, don’t let that be your guide. Ignore what he says. When he
says, “I’m spiritual,” don’t listen. Just look at how he acts. If he said
he was spiritual, but he expects a lot of “unholy compromising,” let
your observations be your guide.
Another way a woman may jump through hoops is to “tell time”
by when a man calls. How many times have you called a girlfriend
to say let’s “hook up” and she has to wait for a call from a guy
she’s dating to give you an answer? These are always the women
who get treated poorly. She becomes depleted because she is
willing to wait “at bay,” never making plans until she rules out the
possibility “beyond a reasonable doubt” that she is seeing a man.
Then you get a call back, “Okay let’s get together,” but now it’s 10
P.M.
If you don’t hear from him in enough time to suggest he respects
your time, there is a simple solution: Don’t give him any.
Here’s an example of a woman who jumps through hoops—and
at the same time, it defies the stereotype that beauty and youth are
what are most attractive to a man. Karla was nineteen and so pretty
you could have placed her on the cover of any men’s
magazine
without airbrushing. She was the one who cried on my shoulder
about the fact that her boyfriend, Bart, told her that when he goes
out with his friends he looks at the sixteen-year-olds.
Now let’s hear Bart’s version: “I’m not in love with her the way
she is with me.” He shared with me a story of when she was doing
his laundry for him in his apartment. “I was being a total jerk. You
know what she said to me? ‘After I finish your laundry, I’m going
home.’ There were three more loads, and she did them. I really
would have respected her if she had said, ‘Screw you’ and walked
out.”
A tip: When you are at his place any day of the week, don’t do
any housework. The only laundry you do is your own. The only tub
you scrub is your own. The only
person you clean up after is
yourself. If his place is a mess, go to yours. If he asks you to help
him clean, be subtle. Just tell him the maidservant has the day off on
Sundays.
ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #51
