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Jumping through hoops often has a negative
outcome: He sees it as an opportunity to have his
cake and eat it, too. But when you stay just outside
his reach, he’ll stay on his best behavior.
Let’s look at how one relationship unfolded when the woman
was willing to jump through hoops. It’s a classic scenario. Sarah
bought an airplane ticket to go see Mickey, a man she’d met only
once before when he had been in town for a holiday weekend.
They’d kept in touch for a month via e-mail and over the phone.
Convinced he was “the one,” Sarah decided she’d like to see
Mickey again.
The ticket cost $400. Mickey agreed to pay for the
accommodations, which ended up being $40 for a motel. After
Sarah arrived, they had sex in the motel. Then he took her to a
coffee shop with coupons that were complimentary with the room.
Afterward they had sex again—
while
he watched the World
Series.
A Kodak moment, isn’t it? No foreplay. No candle. No soft
music. No showering together. Instead, one eye is on the game, and
he’s listening for the score. “The count is three to two . . . and the
bases are loaded.
Steeeeerike!”
Any man—even one who was
raised in a jail—has sense enough to know that watching a game
while having sex is rude. Hardly a “romantic getaway” for two.
After two days of being romantic, they couldn’t wait to “getaway”
from each other.
Now let’s do a financial comparison. He got plenty of food,
plenty of sex, and he got to watch the game (not bad for $40). Her
bill exceeded $400. She did, however, get two extra packets of
peanuts on the airplane, each containing 2.5 peanuts, for a total of
five peanuts. Even if she divided them up into peanut halves, she still
wouldn’t come out ahead.
A bitch would never have put herself in this position. She would
have required that he come to see her,
and
she would have
suggested a hotel that is conveniently located.
When the nice girl jumps through hoops or bends over backward
and overcompensates, she does so because she has a fantasy that
he will “complete her.” To keep the spark from fizzling, it’s
sometimes best to stay ever-so-slightly just outside a man’s reach,
because it charges up his batteries.
The nice girl fails to take a “breather” because of her fantasy that
he is “the one” or her “soul mate.” But this fantasy is a liability
because it feeds a myopic view that he is the center of her life.
Another reason women rush into a relationship
is fear.
A woman
named Mary said, “I can’t say ‘no’ to my boyfriend. For example, I
drive to his place and I wait outside in my car until he comes home
from work. Then I eat dinner later and I stay up late even though I
have to be up early. I feel totally depleted the next day.”
I asked Mary why she doesn’t just say, “Not tonight, honey. I
really need some down time.” She answered, “Because then he
pouts. I guess deep down I’m afraid he’ll get another girlfriend.”
The bitch is not governed by fear of losing a man, because she
knows the real price to pay is when she loses
herself.
Almost
immediately, women give themselves up
in small ways.
The
cumulative effect of these subtle concessions, however, is what
amounts to feeling depleted. Here’s the cycle:
She develops a myopic view that what he gives is
absolutely vital.
Because of this fantasy, she gives up everyday
needs.
She feels more and more drained but continues to try
harder, believing that he’ll be the one to make her feel
fulfilled again.
He senses her willingness to exert herself, and
relaxes
what he gives even more.
She senses this and works even harder to jump
through hoops.
The cycle gets worse, as she becomes more and
more depleted.
The solution? Lose the fantasy, And if you feel you are going to
resent something after you give it, don’t give it. Give only what feels
comfortable to give. This will enable you to stay firmly planted with
both feet on the ground.
Remember when you learned the golden rule in kinder-garten?
This was a nice theory, but in the real world we’ll need to modify it
just a bit.
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