The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

SURFING THE URGE TO COMPLAIN
Therese knew that her habit of constantly criticizing her husband was putting a strain on their
relationship. They had been married for five years, but the last year had been especially tense. They
argued frequently about how things should be done around the house and how to discipline their four-
year-old son. Therese couldn’t help but feel that her husband was going out of his way to irritate her
by doing things the wrong way. In turn, he was tired of always being corrected and never being
thanked. Even though Therese wanted him to change his behavior, she realized that it was her
behavior that was threatening their marriage.
She decided to try surfing the urge to criticize. When she felt the impulse rising, she paused and felt
the tension in her body. It was strongest in her jaw, face, and chest. She watched the sensations of
irritation and frustration. They felt like heat and pressure building. It was as if she had to say the
criticism to get it out of her system, like a volcano that needed to erupt. She had been acting on the
belief that she had to get the complaint out of her, that she had to express it or it would fester inside
her. Therese tested the idea that, like cravings, the impulse would actually pass on its own even if she
didn’t act on it. When Therese surfed the urge, she let herself say the complaint internally. Sometimes
she saw it as ridiculous, and sometimes it felt really true. Either way, she let it be in her mind without
arguing and without expressing it. Then she imagined her irritation as a wave and rode out the
feelings. She found that the impulse would subside if she breathed and stayed with the feeling in her
body.
Surfing the urge is not just for addiction; it can help you handle any destructive impulse.

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INNER ACCEPTANCE, OUTER CONTROL
As you begin to experiment with the power of acceptance, it’s important to remember that the
opposite of suppression is not self-indulgence. All of the successful interventions we’ve seen in this
chapter—accepting anxiety and cravings, ending restrictive dieting, and surfing the urge—teach
people to give up a rigid attempt to control their 
inner
experiences. They don’t encourage people to
believe their most upsetting thoughts or lose control of their behavior. Nobody’s telling socially
anxious people to stay home worrying, or encouraging dieters to eat junk food for breakfast, lunch,
and dinner, or telling recovering addicts, “Get high if you want to!”
In many ways, these interventions tie together everything that we’ve seen so far about how
willpower works. They rely on the mind’s ability to observe ourselves with curiosity, not judgment.
They offer a way to handle the biggest enemies of willpower: temptation, self-criticism, and stress.
They ask us to remember what we really want so we can find the strength to do what is difficult. The
fact that this same basic approach helps such a wide range of willpower challenges, from depression
to drug addiction, confirms that these three skills—self-awareness, self-care, and remembering what
matters most—are the foundation for self-control.

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