The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

UNDER THE MICROSCOPE: WHO ARE YOU
MIRRORING?
This week, keep your eyes open for any evidence that you are mirroring other people’s behavior
—especially behavior related to your willpower challenge. Is a common indulgence the social
glue that’s holding a relationship together? Do you go overboard when others around you are
doing the same?

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A SMOKER UNDER SOCIAL INFLUENCE
Marc had recently started a new job behind the counter at a coffee shop. All the employees got one
ten-minute break per four-hour shift. As Marc soon learned, most of them took their break out back
where they could smoke. People often ended a shift out back, talking and smoking a cigarette before
they went home. Marc wasn’t a regular smoker, though he occasionally had a cigarette or two at
parties. But he found himself smoking if another employee was out back while he was on break, and
he sometimes stuck around after work to smoke with his coworkers.
When our class got to the social influences on behavior, Marc recognized himself immediately. He
never smoked when he was alone. It just seemed easier to smoke than to not smoke at work—it’s
what people did. Even the shop manager took smoke breaks. Marc hadn’t given too much thought to
where this social habit could be leading, but he definitely did not want to end up one of the
completely hooked employees who lived for their smoke breaks. He decided to stop bumming
cigarettes off his coworkers, who were not the least bit upset about no longer having to give him a
smoke. Marc still made it a point to be social; he just didn’t have to light up while he did it.

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WHEN GOALS ARE INFECTIOUS
Human beings are natural mind readers. Whenever we observe other people in action, we use our
social brains to guess at their goals. Why is that woman screaming at that man? Why is the waiter
flirting with me? This guessing game helps us predict other people’s behaviors and avoid social
disasters. We need to be able to protect ourselves and others from social threats (Is the woman
screaming, or the man being screamed at, dangerous? Who in this situation needs help?). We also
need to choose the most appropriate response in an ambiguous situation (the flirtatious waiter
probably wants a bigger tip, not an invitation to meet you in the restroom).
There is, however, a self-control side effect of this automatic mind reading: It activates those very
same goals in us. Psychologists call this 
goal contagion
. Research shows that it is surprisingly easy
to catch a person’s goals in a way that changes your own behavior. For example, in one study,
students caught the goal to make money just from reading a story about another student who worked
over spring break. These students then worked harder and faster to earn money in a laboratory task.
Young men who read a story about a man trying to pick up a woman in a bar caught the goal of casual
sex, becoming more likely to help an attractive young woman who interrupted the experiment. (The
researchers confirmed that the young men believed that helping a woman increases the chances that
she will sleep with them—a plausible hypothesis, although I’m pretty sure the effect size is smaller
than most young men hope.) Other studies show that thinking about a friend who smokes marijuana
increases college students’ desire to get high, while thinking about a friend who does not smoke
decreases their interest.
What does all this mean for your self-control? The good news is, goal contagion is limited to goals
you already, at some level, share. You can’t catch a brand-new goal from a brief exposure the way
you can catch a flu virus. A nonsmoker is not going to catch a nicotine craving when a friend pulls out
a cigarette. But another person’s behavior can activate a goal in your mind that was not currently in
charge of your choices. As we’ve seen, a willpower challenge always involves a conflict between
two competing goals. You want pleasure now, but you want health later. You want to vent your anger
at your boss, but you want to keep your job. You want to splurge, but you also want to get out of debt.
Seeing another person pursue one of these competing goals can tip the balance of power in your own
mind.
Goal contagion works in both directions—you can catch self-control as well as self-indulgence—
but we seem to be especially susceptible to the contagion of temptation. If your lunch companion
orders dessert, her goal for immediate gratification may team up with 
your
goal for immediate
gratification to outvote your goal to lose weight. Seeing someone else splurge on holidays gifts may
reinforce your desire to delight your own kids on Christmas morning, and make you temporarily
forget your goal to spend less.