The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do To Get More of It

MIRRORING WILLPOWER FAILURES
In this simple scenario, we’ve seen three ways our social brains can catch willpower failures. The
first is unintentional mimicry. The mirror neurons that detect another person’s movement prime that
very same movement in your own body. When you see me reach for the knife, you might
unconsciously find yourself reaching out to lend me a hand. In many situations, we find ourselves
automatically mirroring the physical gestures and actions of others. If you pay attention to body
language, you’ll notice that people in conversation start to adopt each other’s positions. One person
crosses his arms, and moments later, his conversation partner crosses her arms. She leans back, and
soon enough, he leans back, too. This unconscious physical mirroring seems to help people
understand each other better, and also creates a sense of connection and rapport. (One reason
salespeople, managers, and politicians are trained to 
intentionally
mimic other people’s postures is
that they know it will make it easier to influence the person they are mirroring.)
Our instinct to mimic other people’s actions means that when you see someone else reach for a
snack, a drink, or a credit card, you may find yourself unconsciously mirroring their behavior—and
losing your willpower. For example, a recent study looked at what happens in smokers’ brains when
they see a movie character smoke. The brain regions that plan hand movements became activated, as
if the smokers’ brains were preparing to pull out a cigarette and light it. Just seeing someone smoke
on screen launched a subconscious impulse to light up, giving the smokers’ brains the added challenge
of restraining that impulse.
The second way our social brains can lead us astray is the contagion of emotion. We saw that our
mirror neurons respond to other people’s pain, but they also respond to emotions. That’s how a
coworker’s bad mood can become our bad mood—and make us feel like we’re the ones who need a
drink! It’s also why television sitcoms use a laugh track—they’re hoping the sound of someone else
cracking up will tickle your funny bone. The automatic contagion of emotions also may help explain
why social network researchers Christakis and Fowler have found that happiness and loneliness
spread from friend to friend and through families. How can this lead to a willpower failure? When
we catch a bad feeling, we’re going to turn to our usual strategies for fixing it—and this may mean a
shopping spree or chocolate bar is in your near future.
Finally, our brains can even catch temptation when we see others give in. Seeing someone else
engage in your willpower challenge can put you in the mood to join them. When we imagine what
other people want, their wants can trigger our wants, and their appetites can trigger our appetites.
This is one reason we eat more with others than when we’re alone, why gamblers raise their bets
after seeing someone else win big, and why we spend more when shopping with friends.