Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   1
04
It ’s All Greek to Us: 
Th
  e Backwaters of Linguisics
Th
  ere are a lot of languages (9,500 not counting the dead ones, 
by some estimates), and some people would argue that you 
ought to learn a couple—like, say, Spanish or Mandarin—that 
already have a loyal following. But why not invent your own 
language, coerce millions into using it, and conquer new lin-
guistic frontiers? In case you’re looking for inspiration . . .
KLINGON
Why It’s Worth Learning:
 It’s the surest way to a Trekkie’s 
heart.
Why It Was Invented:
 Because 
Star Trek 
is so unbelievably 
realistic and authentic, except for the traveling-faster-than-
the-speed-of-light-being-completely-impossible part.
How Long It Takes to Learn:
 You won’t be fl uent until you’ve 
memorized the surprisingly lengthy 
Klingon Dictionary.
The Basics: 
Of the handful of constructed languages inspired 
by 
Star Trek
, Klingon is by far the most widely spoken. Some 
estimates indicate that there are thousands of Klingon speak-
ers on Earth and billions more in the solar system. As for the 
language’s earthly origins, however, you can thank Marc 
Okrand. Mr. Okrand created Klingon for Paramount Studios’ 
Star Trek III: Th
  e Search for Spock,
 and what resulted certainly 
wasn’t pretty. Mainly because Klingon’s guttural and forceful 
tones refl ect the warrior spirit of the Klingon people. For in-
stance, there’s no way of saying “Hello,” in Klingon; the only 
greeting  is  “nuqneH’ ”  which  more  or  less  means  “Whaddya 
want?”

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10
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
LEETSPEAK
Why It’s Worth Learning:
 You desperately want to fi t in with 
all the kids on AOL Instant Messenger.
Why It Was Invented:
 B/c ppl R layz.
How  Long  It  Will  Take  to  Learn:
  Th
  irty 57X, if you pay 
 attention.
The Basics:
 If you’ve ever hung out in a chat room, you’ve 
probably seen text like “d00d r u CuTie,” which certain com-
munities of chatters believe is a) a sentence, and b) a question, 
even  though  it  c)  lacks  punctuation,  and  d)  contains  more 
grammatical and spelling errors than it does letters. While the 
d00ds of the online world probably don’t know it, such short-
cut-laden, purposely misspelled typing (including “teh” for 
“the”) is actually a typeset dialect known as leetspeak (or, more 
commonly, 133 + 5p33K). And while words like 
d00d
 aren’t