Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   2

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42
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
Th
  e aurochs were such a wonderful source of meat, and so 
comparatively docile, that people often took them into their 
homes and treated them like family—that is, whenever they 
weren’t castrating, slaughtering, or eating them.
✖  ✖  ✖
Th
  e aurochs got us back for this mistreatment, though, when 
the fi rst human contracted smallpox (a mutated form of the 
aurochs’ disease cowpox). In the ten centuries since smallpox 
fi rst infected humans, more than 100 million people have 
been killed by the disease.
✖  ✖  ✖
Pamplona
Once a year, the city of Pamplona celebrates the return of the re-
mains of its patron saint, San Fermin, by feasting, dancing, and 
running away from a half-dozen bulls stampeding through the 
city’s streets. A dangerous activity, to be sure, but much safer if 
you follow the simple guidelines laid out in a brochure published 
in several languages by the city of Pamplona. Some direct 
quotes:
If you get up right in the path of the running bull, he could go 
through you as clean as a knife cuts through butter.
Do not stand still.
Making the run on a drunken spree is totally out of order.
If you think we’d all be better off  with something safer, such 
as the running of, say, the penguins, take note that there 
is
 
such a thing: the daily penguin parade in Phillip Island Na-
ture Park off  the coast of Australia. Every evening, after 

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43
spending the day feeding at sea, a troupe of penguins march 
up  a  beach  surrounded  by  spectators  who’ve  come  from 
around the world to witness their routine. So far, there have 
been no fatalities, but no statistics are available on how many 
ice-cold Budweisers have been stolen. . . .
06
 Commercial Mascots
Missing:
 Th
  e Bud Ice Penguin
Last Seen:
 Dooby, dooby, doo-ing
Possible Location:
 scouring the U.S. for someone, anyone, 
who still drinks Bud Ice
Warning:
 Penguins are slippery.
You Probably Remember:
 With his creepy catchphrase 
(“Dooby, dooby, doo”) and unrelenting desire to steal Bud Ice 
(which, it could be argued, was an act of charity more than 
malice), the penguin became hugely popular. But like Bud-
weiser’s other ad campaigns, this one faded into oblivion 
faster than you can say 
Whazzzzzzup?
You May Not Remember:
 Th
  at Budweiser was sued by Mun-
singwear shortly after the Bud Ice penguin became a star, ar-
guing that Budweiser’s campaign amounted to slander of 
penguin advertising mascots everywhere.
✖  ✖  ✖
Missing:
 Th
 e Noid
Last Seen:
 1992
Possible Location:
 Wherever there are pizzas to be ruined, 
you’ll fi nd the Noid.