42
S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
Th
e aurochs were such
a wonderful source of meat, and so
comparatively docile, that people often took them into their
homes and treated them like family—that is, whenever they
weren’t castrating, slaughtering, or eating them.
✖ ✖ ✖
Th
e aurochs got
us back for this mistreatment, though, when
the fi rst human contracted smallpox (a mutated form of the
aurochs’ disease cowpox). In the ten centuries since smallpox
fi rst infected humans, more than 100 million people have
been killed by the disease.
✖ ✖ ✖
Pamplona
Once a year, the city of Pamplona celebrates the return of the re-
mains
of its patron saint, San Fermin, by feasting, dancing, and
running away from a half-dozen bulls stampeding through the
city’s streets. A dangerous activity, to be sure,
but much safer if
you follow the simple guidelines laid out in a brochure published
in several languages by the city of Pamplona. Some direct
quotes:
If you get up right in the path of the running bull, he could go
through you as clean as a knife cuts through butter.
Do not stand still.
Making the run on a drunken spree is totally out of order.
If you think we’d all be better off with something safer, such
as the
running of, say, the penguins, take note that there
is
such a thing: the daily penguin parade in Phillip Island Na-
ture Park off the coast of Australia. Every evening, after
43
spending the day feeding at sea, a
troupe of penguins march
up a beach surrounded by spectators who’ve come from
around the world to witness their routine. So far, there have
been no fatalities, but no statistics are available on how many
ice-cold Budweisers have been stolen. . . .
06
Commercial Mascots
Missing:
Th
e Bud Ice Penguin
Last Seen:
Dooby, dooby, doo-ing
Possible Location:
scouring the U.S. for someone, anyone,
who
still drinks Bud Ice
Warning:
Penguins are slippery.
You Probably Remember:
With his creepy catchphrase
(“Dooby, dooby, doo”) and unrelenting desire to steal Bud Ice
(which, it could be argued, was an act of charity more than
malice), the penguin became hugely popular. But like Bud-
weiser’s
other ad campaigns, this one faded into oblivion
faster than you can say
Whazzzzzzup?
You May Not Remember:
Th
at Budweiser was sued by Mun-
singwear shortly after the Bud Ice penguin became a star, ar-
guing that Budweiser’s campaign amounted to
slander of
penguin advertising mascots everywhere.
✖ ✖ ✖
Missing:
Th
e Noid
Last Seen:
1992
Possible Location:
Wherever there are pizzas to be ruined,
you’ll fi nd the Noid.
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