Scatter Brained

C H A P T E R   9

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S C A T T E R B R A I N E D
02
Pets or Meat?
LOBSTERS
Loved as Pets by:
 French Romantic poet Gérard de Nerval, 
who kept his pet lobster on a leash during their frequent 
walks through Paris together
Devoured as Meat by:
 Everyone except vegetarians and 
 Gérard de Nerval
Reasons to Love:
 De Nerval said, “Th
  ey know the secrets of 
the sea, [and] they don’t bark.”
Reasons to Hate:
 ugly, unfriendly, clawed
Reasons to Eat:
 juicy, succulent, high-protein, low-fat deli-
ciousness
Reasons to Abstain:
 It takes 45 minutes of shell cracking to 
uncover each tiny sliver of meat.
Verdict:
 PET!
EELS
Loved as Pets by:
 ancient Romans, who had an endless fasci-
nation with exotic creatures
Devoured as Meat by:
 anyone who can pronounce 
unagi
Reasons to Love:
 With no claws and no teeth, they can be 
played with all day long.
Reasons to Hate:
 Playing with an eel gets boring fast.
Reasons to Eat:
 50,000,000 Japanese people can’t be wrong.
Reasons to Abstain:
 In Günter Grass’s novel 
Th
  e Tin Drum,
 
Oskar’s mother goes insane (and eventually dies) after seeing 
a severed horse head used as bait for eel fi shing, leading Grass 

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to write the classic line, “. . . for eel thou art, to eel retur-
nest.”
Verdict:
 insanity or no—MEAT!
SHARKS
Loved as Pets by:
 ostracized teenage malcontents
Devoured as Meat by:
 lots of people, apparently, since shark 
fi n soup sometimes sells for $120 a bowl in Hong Kong
Reasons to Love:
 Th
  ey’re wise, ancient stewards of the sea.
Reasons to Hate:
 will eat you alive given half a chance
Reasons to Eat:
 We must prove to the sharks that 
we’re
 on 
top of the food chain.
Reasons to Abstain:
 Fishing has decimated shark popula-
tions;  if  we  aren’t  careful,  kids  20  years  from  now  will  fi nd 
Jaws
 about as scary as 
Beak: Th
  e Killer Passenger Pigeon.
Verdict:
 MEAT!
GOLDFISH
Loved as Pets by:
 seven-year-olds who won Goldy at a carni-
val game
Devoured as Meat by:
 drunk collegiate frat boys
Reasons to Love:
 ’cause Mom won’t let you get a puppy
Reasons to Hate:
 dumb, useless, short life span
Reasons to Eat:
 Live sushi is 
très chic.
Reasons to Abstain:
 Goldfi sh crackers taste much better.
Verdict:
 PET! To anyone even vaguely normal, that is. But at 
frat parties, anything goes. Just ask . . . Bob Dylan?